The Token Ethnic Girl

"I know I'm unloveable. You don't have to tell me. Oh, message received. Loud and clear. Loud and clear"

2009-08-08T02:25:00.004-04:00

Nothing like insomnia and intense loatheing of "family" members to kick you in the ass. I have not posted regularly and think this needs to change...RIGHT NOW.

Social networking is much like the marginalizing culture of schoolyard cliques and the jugular grabbing is particularly vicious with extended family. I say family, but in truth, the space this person occupies is more of "insipid twit cousin", to be fair their brothers are great guys...who don't shun me.

I have never gotten along with this cousin,in part, due to a lifelong habit of temerity coupled with good looks far superior to theirs. I don't actually think much of the good looks part, in fact I am the originator of fake self esteem™, and practice it as a means of self deprecation wrapped within a cocoon of social buttress. It seems to work, in theory at least.I did not grow up in close proximity to my cousins and our "bonding" was confined to summers, holidays and death, which did not lead to much but an obligatory knowledge, toleration and acknowledgment of our kinship. Well I cannot say that this maximum holds true for all my cousins..just two and they make quite the pair. One likes to steal husbands and the other lives in a parallel universe where she is literally better than *anybody* else...in her mind at least.
How does this relate to social networking? Facebook. Fucking goddamn Facebook.
I have had more conversations with a kid in Malaysia, about Fashion Wars, then my cousin who excludes me from our family's online presence. I do not know what is more bothersome, her assignment of my leper status or my mother's continual cordial treatment of her, my objections notwithstanding. My cousin, the husband stealer, still gets birthday gifts from my mom, handmade in fact...yes I am in therapy and no it does not diminish my anger at the absurdity of the situation.
When our grandmother died two years ago I was forced to deal with both cousins while attempting to grieve for a woman I felt I failed, but that is a whole other post in & of itself. I flew into Florida and made the car ride to Texas with a sense of eminent dread, not just the obvious, ie. deal with dead grandmother, but knowing I had to step foot in my cousin's house. I had not seen this person for 11 years, not since "the incident" and I had avoided any contact since. I was given the option of not staying there but didn't want to force anyone to drive an extra 2 hours, so I fucking sleep on the couch. We never spoke about the past and the conciliatory concession offered up was breakfast taquitos with coffee. I didn't even have to pay, I had paid enough already perhaps and I was too tired for indignation. I made it through the funeral, Texas heat and inherent lunacy thereof. It was on a ride, to Wal-mart of all palces, that my aunt offered up a curious statement:

"Thank you for being forgiving to (insert name). It was very Jesus-like of you.."

Of all the traits I've been assigned this was by far the most disconcerting, yet it makes one wonder; would my cousin deny Jesus' friend request quite as quickly as mine and why should I always be the one to offer up the forgiveness time after time.

"...And we can ride the boogie. Share that beat of love"

2009-06-25T18:58:00.008-04:00

It seems that the nostalgia we carry of our childhoods wanes unabated until family members and icons leave this mortal coil. We live in a suspended state of denial that we will never be touched by death, old age or suffering. We often are unprepared for it when it comes...we are young, unfamiliar with the inevitability of death...we do not know, nor are we prepared for what our "elders" have already begun to experience. The arrival of that inevitability crushes us...and awakens the reality of our own mortality.It is a reality that youth foolishly suppresses so that we drive headfirst into life with zeal, abandon and glee...isn't that what youth is for?

As the icons of our childhood fall we are forced to face the unflinching reality that if,say a musician or actor can die, so can our loved ones. As we mourn a singer or celebrity we also mourn the passing of our naivete and somberly acknowledge that the ones who hold dearest will one day be gone. This truth hurts far more than never seeing a man moonwalk again. I will miss Michael Jackson, but acknowledging that I will one day lose my parents is far more sobering. I have seen far more death in 35 years than I ever imagined and yet it still does not get easier to bear...does it ever? Perhaps our collective grief for someone we really do not "know" insulates us from thinking or dealing with the possibility in our own families or among our friends? Either way it is painful. I guess sometimes you just have to clutch your memories, wipe away your tears and keep going...

I am just rambling...sadness does that. It makes you pour out things best left unsaid and things you hold back from saying. I may be seen as foolish for crying over a pop star, but that pop star was someones brother, someones son...someones friend and I know the void left whenever that is lost. The long march of adulthood lies ahead...and the illusion of vicariously living through pop culture no longer protects us to the realities of age. Sometimes the fall of the famous so sharply focuses us to the picture of what is yet to be lost in our own lives. It is a picture we flinch at and avoid but must steel ourselves to tackle one day. I will never be an 10 year old girl riding a bike, boombox lashed to the handlebars, belting out "Billie Jean" again but I have the memories and memories sustain.

“And when the groove is dead and gone
You know that love survives
So we can rock forever on….”

"Nervous messed up marionettes Floating around on a prison ship"

2009-04-14T23:13:00.003-04:00

I often wonder what first impression I make on random strangers, and if I am not only strange yet hopelessly random. I chalk it up to awkwardness and a feeling of jet propulsion that takes over my speech. I talk too much, too fast and without a filter. Charming is not the first word that comes to mind...crazed maybe. I think the internal awkwardness swimming in my head manifests its self into this whirling dervish, stream of consciousness mania that I feel compelled to let loose. It is unfurled haphazardly and earnestly, yet it pings wildly from many divergent points and I walk away from many a conversation convinced that the other person thinks I am a freak. I set this bet with regards to a fellow student. They often work late in the lab, not talking much and leaving in such quiet manner that I often do not know they have left. I figured that by the end of the semester we would have a proper conversation. Instead I unfurled crazy ramble girl instead. I think I should have just stayed in my office and not scared the guy. Great..another student who thinks I am a whackjob.I may just single handedly kill enrollment yet.

"Can you hear the drums Fernando?"

2009-03-11T14:51:00.003-04:00

"So why don't you use it try not to bruise it, buy time don't lose it"

2009-03-09T00:05:00.002-04:00

In my attempt to become a "better student" I neglected this great literary opus of a blog. Ok, it is not an opus..rub it in why don't you. I came to the conclusion that perhaps I should post more...I only have 1 follower. Sorry Rodney, I appreciate you I do, but why should you be the only one to suffer my inept written ramblings? No, there is a world full of people clamoring for my dazzling wit and finely tuned cynicism! It is my duty to humanity to post more! Just not tonight. There might be porn I have yet to download or ebay listings to follow...

"Stand up and be counted,for what you are about to receive "

2008-11-30T20:50:00.004-05:00

The blog following is no longer zero!!!! Thanks Rodney.

Of course now I feel even more compelled to update on an semi-regular basis. I am going to start taking *Mrs. Fuckles' advice and blog the stream of consciousness rants that come out of my mouth.Today provided many points to rail about. It's the "holiday season" which compelled me to go to Freeport on a quest for...snow pants. The middle progeny put them on her Xmas list, I felt obliged to make a pilgrimage to the mecca of outlets and LL Bean to procure her humble guilt laden request. I say guilt-laden due to my daughter's ability to turn any slight into fodder for future therapy and scathing tell-all tome ala "Mommie Dearest"...I wouldn't mind the wardrobe or drag following though. My day was supposed to start at 10 am, but I fought the snooze and the snooze won,not to mention the fact that I was out of clean underpants;who can shop without clean undies seriously? I managed to make it to Casa Los Fuckles before noon, and was rewarded with a combo of fresh coffee plus a side of confab. Elizabeth and I managed to make it to Freeport to only be rewarded with parking turmoil...do the holidays cause people to become blinker deficient? Do you act like you are giving up your parking space just to watch other drivers become perturbed? After 15 minutes of circling like a buzzard in the midst of a panic attack I hit pay dirt..right in front of Starbucks. Parking and coffee! God must not completely hate me after all...
I always enjoy listening to other peoples' coffee orders;the self aware pretentious procedure of it bemuses me.I love coffee LOVE IT, but my self identity is not intrinsically mired in half foam, soy or splenda. I mean by all means order what you want, but don't posture like a low rent supermodel jonesing for cancer sticks and a Birkin bag. The middle age woman in front of us ordered her drink haughtily, while flipping her hair in our general direction; she scanned the crowd, with her nose cast skyward hopelessly clinging to a youth long since past. Was she on her way to Abercombie & Fitch to procure her double size zero jeans? Perhaps my recollection would not be so harsh if her disdain for her fellow coffee drinkers had not been so palatable. It was after all the holiday season, would it have killed her to show basic human respect and decency?

"I'm a loser baby..."

2008-11-17T21:43:00.003-05:00

I think I have become resigned to failure. This morning my counselor made the observation that I am an enabler...the elephant in the room has been called out! Of course as luck would have it...illness strikes again;the professional patient was ill. The dialysis unit would not release him unless I took custody of him which meant missing class again. The CIS nazi will not accept late work or make up labs. Guess who is going to fail Computer Science..show of hands. Yep that would be me. I think I punched the steering wheel at least 20 times, and then numbness everywhere. This is supposedly the depression talking,but truthfully I think the jig is finally up and I really am a fucking loser. No unrealized potential, no chance, no prospects just the cold reality of mediocrity. I get points for showing up though because as the cliche goes "half of life is showing up". Thank G-d the oven isn't gas.

"But this life is so confusing. Feels like I'm always losing"

2008-10-28T00:42:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted in quite some time. Life happens and I don't always seize the opportunity to write about it consistently,and living it requires every vestige of my being.I don't think I even have readers at this point;at some point did I ever? My mind is over run with so many thoughts that the prospect of articulating any of them coherently makes me emit a screech. Seriously...the people who live with me find it extremely unnerving.I also have to store up my concentration for essays for school.I guess the point of all this drivel is to excuse myself. I really do feel like the post title fits.I started this blog to channel the muck deep within myself out;the bile that bubbled up needed to go somewhere. I was overwhelmed. I still am but I have become much more adapt at hiding it. I will get there. I just wish I knew where "there" was, and when I was going to get there. Perseverance is a real bitch.

" I can't make you hang around.I can't wash you off my skin.Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out "

2008-08-27T14:10:00.004-04:00

I tend not to self edit, which causes considerable damage in some social situations but this still hasn't served as a means for change. I continue to spew forth honesty that would be better left unsaid...I know no other way. My relationship examples are textbook narcissists,misogynists and philanders. I don't disclose this out of a desperate need for pity, I am just rather matter of fact regarding every facet of my life. I grew up seeing people living within the confines of their lies, it informed every action they executed, every nuance of their speech and left a child perplexed as to what ulitimately was meant by all of the duplicity. I now find myself hurling toward a maxim of honesty above all else. It makes me unbearable to live with, at least that's the feeling I get.

"Do you believe it in your head? It's so safe to play along"

2008-08-26T22:01:00.002-04:00

Have you ever wondered what reaction spontaneous combustion could trigger in one's spouse? By that I mean, what would the husband or wife, whatever the case may be for you,do? Would they stand there dumbfounded or shriek "OH MY GOD!!!!" or if they're an atheist "What the fuck!!" Would they keep listening to the game or would they pause, acknowledge then move on? I assume that they would react. I assume too much. I use the concept of a "loved one" igniting in flames as an extreme albeit unlikely scenario...well in my case not so unlikely. The point? It would cause you to react.
Now say your wife packs a sizable amount of her belongings into her car, a Volvo station wagon, and then proceeds to leave. She then takes it upon herself to sleep in said car, why roomy not exactly 4 star accommodations, she then returns. Would you assume there would be a reaction? Not in this house. If you lived in this house you would behave with the dutiful passive aggressive nature that has become your nom de plume. If you lived in this house you'd make potshots under your breath then pretend to be silent. If you lived in this house you'd find inane things to start conversations with but ignore the bile creeping up the back of your throat. If you lived in this house...you'd sleep in a Volvo too.

"Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out.You won't remember anyway"

2008-08-25T18:54:00.003-04:00

Is it really that horrible to be ruled by malignant indifference. You can surely function, and isn't the lowest basis for existence just that, to function.
I have become perfunctionary at best, self sabotaging when given the opportunity.I think I use to care, or did I really? The goal of each passing day has become an all consuming drive to perform a role worthy of critical acclaim
"And the Academy Award for Best performance of a normal human being goes to..."
I'm just playing a role and no one notices,cares or is the wiser. Well perhaps I underestimate my audience, they know and fall into their roles all too easily.

"I'll be forever blue.That you gimme no reason why you make me work so hard."

2008-08-12T21:59:00.004-04:00

Here's some facts and figures to peruse. A answer to the quandary of whether Grad school is worth the costs involved...to be a Librarian. Please note the "wide" gulf in wages between what you earn with a BS or BA and the holy grail that is the ALA certified MLS.

MLA State-wide minimum salary guidelines are as follows:
Position (required degree) Compared with Hourly entry level and Annual entry level recommended wage.

Library page -- Minimum wage
Clerk -- $10.30--$21,424
Technician (High School diploma) $10.84 ---$22,547
Technician (Associates degree) $12.01 --$24,980
Librarian (Bachelor’s) $13.98 ----$29,078
Librarian (MLS or equivalent) $15.15 ---$31,512
Department Head (MLS or equivalent) 16.51 ----$34,340
Library Director $21.46---- $44,636

The difference hourly between library staff with a MLS and those with an BS/BA is $1.17. The annual difference in salary is $2434. Anyone care to venture a guess to the difference in cost for a undergrad vs. grad school? Well then if you can figure it up...you can pay my tuition and for the ulcer I will give myself.

You may be wondering what all these abbv. mean.....

MLA- Maine Library Assoc.
MLS- Master of Library Science
BA- ok I'm willing to venture you know this one
BS- no, not bullshit. See above

I should have held steadfast to my childhood dream of international jewel thief and beguiling chanteuse. Catsuits, sequins and playboys on the French Rivera hanging on my every word. Gotta work on that passport application...

"A heart that's full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you,bruises that won't heal."

2008-08-12T07:43:00.004-04:00

The dream of being a librarian is over.I am now a Liberal Arts major...go ahead laugh, my apathy keeps me from really giving a shit. I'm more melancholy over the impending demise of one of my favorite blogs, no not Perez Hilton...the Unbomber is in prison so that ass hat is safe..for now, but rather the uplifting, life affirming missives of Stuff Black People Hate

Apparently he may be going the way of "Internet" sensation Christan Ladner, author of Stuff White People Like, and getting a book deal...I want a book deal. The problem is of course I'd have to start writing about the surreal absurdity that is my life, names would NOT be changed to protect identity...and I would in all likelihood get sued. The joke would be on the litigants....I am a broke ass negro.
Ahh fudgeknockers my laptop battery is about to give its swan song....Grr

More joy to come......

***UPDATE***
No book deal, the book will be self published.I would have bought it regardless, SBPH is hilliarous.

"That there...that's not me...I go where I please.."

2008-08-12T07:27:00.002-04:00

That chick in the Facebook box, yes the one on the right, is not me. Or maybe it is.

The truth doesn't matter really, no one ever reads this fucking blog which is not unlike the words that come from my mouth, falling on deaf ears. The rain is starting to get to me.I was just coming out of the funk of winter and it's lack of sunshine..

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. It's not warm when she's away..

I need more coffee, my wit eludes me.

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling..Down, down, down"

2008-08-11T20:30:00.002-04:00

It's August. I know that weather in Maine is unpredictable but come the fuck on!
OH GUESS WHAT!
It's raining again, as Gomer Pyle would say.."Surprise..Surprise..Surprise" The deary landscape and intermittent respites of solar delusion are beginning to wear thin, I tried to seize the fleeting good weather this weekend only to be rewarded with the knowledge that Issac Hayes died.
It's not as though the man was my uncle, and to be clear not every "colored" person is related to each other...I think, but on the heels of learning that a decent funny man died of pneumonia it stung. I use to imagine that the theme to "Shaft" was my own personal soundtrack growing up....that and the Wonder Woman theme. On a surreal note, Elizabeth's mom must be devastated, she was in love with Bernie Mac....odd considering she's a older white lady in a wheelchair. My friend Brooke and I use to reenact this scene from "Ocean's 11", the one between Matt Damon and Bernie Mac, Mac lungs at Damon and calls him a "cracker" to which Damon replies "Oh dear God.."
It's funnier in person I suppose or if you're wandering drunkenly through the Old Port. But I guess in the final analysis if your numbers up your numbers up...that sounds glib, but life stopped making sense to me a long time ago and glibness cushions the blows.

"Dont, dont you want me? You know I dont believe you when you say that you dont need me...."

2008-05-17T00:09:00.002-04:00

Why do tanning salons exist? Did the inventor of the tanning bed have an epiphany when they saw Willy Wonka as a child? Do the people who utilize this technology realize that they have taken on a orange pallor? I have a tan year round...because of the concentration of melanin in my skin. Would I roast myself like a rotisserie chicken if I were as translucent as milky hobnail glass? No, but the point is moot due to my inhabiting a brown body my whole life. So why do people flock to these meccas of man made ultraviolet madness? I want to walk in just once and ask how many sessions it would take to become "really black" darker than Oprah black, I assume that the attendant would be aghast....I'm being magnanimous. It would probably not even occur to them my ironic take on their services. Besides I don't think I could keep a straight face long enough...

"The party blessed me with its future ..And i protect it with fire..."

2008-03-12T22:20:00.006-04:00

Any apology Ms. Ferraro would offer would be moot. The most insidious part of her statements is the mindset it underscores. I find the reasoning by Ferraro that her being white; a white upper class women, is the sole reason for her being criticized. It only serves to further underscore the breadth of her ignorance.The ideology that blacks are incapable of voting for a candidate on their merits and can only base their decisions on race is ignorant. Why are people so surprised by her comments? Being a Democrat does not automatically imply that you are not racist, classist or sexist. These are very pervasive problems in this country, whatever your political party. Senator Obama has managed to draw support in spite of this. The central reason for racism is power. Racism has been used historically to suppress the climate of all mankind to have equality. Racism functions in conjunction with class. Higher class status coupled with being in the powerful majority creates a climate specifically to subjugate people that the majority deems less than themselves. That is racism. This cancer afflicts the mind of everyone it touches. It gives the oppressor the sense of entitlement that it swings like a club, cutting a swath through anyone or anything that dares to challenge it. It robs the oppressed of the promise, hope, drive and dignity that all human beings are born with. Do people identify with those they are like?
Of course, but if we can not learn to cooperate and build the world with others then we are doomed. A strong statement to be sure. I did not decide to support Senator Obama solely based on his race, the notion that I did not research the issues, read voting records or inform myself thoroughly insults the very intelligence I work to build each and everyday.Besides that I am majoring in Library Science for Christ's sake, I know my way around information better than most. I chose him because of my belief in his ability to build a better nation. I chose him because he ignited a hope that my vote and my participation in the course of democracy mattered. I chose him because of the work he has done to combat poverty, his commitment to bring our troops back from Iraq, his economics policy, etc. Does the fact that he is articulate with a keen intellect inform my choice as well? Absolutely. It just so happens that we share a similar racial heritage. Unlike myself, Mr.Obama is in the position to accomplish great change on a global scale.If my vote puts him there that is what matters, not that he is black, not that he is liberal..not even the fact that Oprah endorses him. It is to quote someone " The content of his character"

"Its the end of the world as we know it..."

2008-03-05T01:25:00.003-05:00

She won the Texas primary.
I knew there was a reason I stopped watching "Saturday Night Live"
Bitch is the new black my ass.

Listen up the poor and undeserved in America!
Pay attention to something other than the same shit served on a new platter.
Why are you so afraid of a man who could truly make this country better?
Why do you believe that a "war hero" or a cuckolded wife are your salvation?
Fight...do something...stop waiting for the mythical white savior to lift you up.
Get the fuck up, educate yourself, stop slurping the spoon fed agenda.
Remember what your apathy cost in 2000.

"I'm on the Highway to Hell....No Stop signs...No Speed Limits.."

2008-03-05T01:02:00.004-05:00

I wonder if I really am cut out to be a librarian. I am I OCD enough....are my glasses trendy enough...did hooked on phonics really work for me? I read a lot of professional websites, blogs, the musings of those in my future "chosen" field and I come away with a sickening feeling of unwarranted elitism. But isn't that what professional/corporate culture really is, just another high school like trauma only with real issues at stake? The hierarchy of discussion boards is making me feel like the electronic equivlent of a leper colony. My posts are not viewed as much as the middle age school media "specialists" or the "I have two Masters already..but wanted a change" alpha males. I have things to contribute, intelligent things, perspectives that should be acknowledged...
This week we had to list 10 electronic resources. I saw dictionary.com, google, pedestrian stuff. A few of my classmates actually had fresh sites, resources that the average ten year old couldn't find even with adderall, quality stuff. I had a range of destinations that could broaden the mind. Do you know how many of my "classmates" looked them over? 9 out of a class of over 30+ people. 9
9 fucking views! Apparently I am retarded and no one has had the heart to tell me for the last 34 years. I had better get into vocational rehab while there is still time for me to be a productive member of society.
In case your interested here are the 10 resources I contributed.

Here are some electronic resources that I find useful, some are more "scholarly" than others.

www.ehow.com

Tons of tips on "how to do just about everything" such as ; how to reshape a shrunken wool sweater, how to be Gothic, or use chopsticks. The majority are helpful...the rest are good for a chuckle.

www.nypl.org/links

The best of the web as seen by The New York Public Library. Links are grouped by subject, similar to how books are cataloged, and include Arts&Humanities, New York City, Libraries&Book Trade, History&Social Sciences and many more.

www.nypl.org/digital

The digital collections of The New York Public Library. The resources on Africana & Black History are amazing, the print and photography collections are superb. You can also download podcasts or watch lectures/book talks.

www.craigslist.org

Online free classified service that is tailored to each location it covers. You can explore sites for most major US cities and states as well as international sites. It's somewhat like Uncle Henry's on a bigger scale.

http://lists.webjunction.org/libweb/

Libweb complies links to library websites around the globe.

www.pbs.org

Great resources for teachers and companion sites for most of their programming.

www.americanrhetoric.com

Database of speeches, lectures,sermons,debates and media events in text,audio and video format.

www.amnh.org

The online home of The American Museum of Natural History. Resources for kids, educators and anyone who is interested in learning about science. The site also has online professional development courses.

www.moma.org

The Museum of Modern Art; links to DADABASE, an online catalog of the museum's library, archives and study centers.

www.nytimes.com

"All the news that's fit to print" online. You can search the archives from 1851 to present day

And on a unrelated note....if Hillary Clinton wins Texas....I will build the wall between Mexico and Texas myself! Latino vote.....get a clue people, she doesn't give the proverbial "two shits" about you. Has the whole fucking world gone mad? I need to stick to taking sleeping pills so I can't remunate over things till the wee hours. AGGGHHHHH! That's it folks, I'm outta here, gotta check CNN.

"I always feel like somebody's watching me..."

2008-03-04T23:57:00.004-05:00

Boredom will make a person do funny things. If most people were totally honest they would admit to googling themselves, I've done it. Apparently I am a white pharmacist in Iowa...where the hell is my free Valium? The real fun is searching myspace profiles. The steamy underbelly of the Internet....or where men having mid-life crisis's pretend to be 25 and while hung to meet nubile Paris Hilton wannabes. I decided to search profiles with my better half's name. Ohh sweet Jesus! I was laughing so hard I hyperventilated.....enjoy the show!

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=59441663

ohh..here's a sneakpeek photo!!!

"That there That's not me.."

2008-03-01T23:54:00.002-05:00

Enjoy this Radiohead performance. It's from "Kid A". Buy "In Rainbows" it is breathtaking....seriously, it will bring tears of joy to your eyes.

"No time for losers...'cause we are the champions of the world"

2008-02-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK GIANTS 17

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 14

Bye Bye Perfect Season!!!! The Patriots lost, apparently there is a god and they are not a Pats fan.

"Don't stop believin'...Hold on to that feelin"

2008-01-27T00:24:00.000-05:00

This cynic has hope. Thank you Mr. Obama for renewing an emotion I had all but forgotten.
Of course your speech bought tears to my eyes and now I can't be witty.....that is a good thing.
Follow this link, read the speech....keep the tissues close by. And yes, that is a Journey lyric, the post title, it's a good song....there I said it, yes I am a geek. Follow the link!

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/01/26/obama.transcript/index.html

"Shoplifters of the world.Unite and take over"

2008-01-20T01:45:00.000-05:00

"This is my mistake. Let me make it good"

2008-01-11T01:30:00.000-05:00

No more poop.

"You put the load right on me...."

2007-12-19T02:04:00.000-05:00

The new background looks like baby poop. One should not attempt editing at 2 am. The result is poop color choices. Discuss amongst yourselves, I am going to sleep on it.

"I am the next act waiting in the wings..I am an animal trapped in your hot car..I am all the days that you choose to ignore"

2007-12-09T01:08:00.000-05:00

In Rainbows is a wonderous piece of sonic beauty. I fucking love Radiohead...they keep my head out of the oven. When I figure out how to post the mp3s I will. You should experience it.... It's....dare I say this...their best work since OK Computer. Limey bastards they floor me.

"Don’t seem to have that much to show. For all the hard work, the sweat and toil..."

2007-11-25T01:43:00.000-05:00

Where does the time go? I can't seem to keep abreast of the hours that pass me in my oblivious quest to stay afloat.

Delayed grief.
Isolation.
Sleep Deprivation.
Befuddlement.

I think I have become a hamster on a wheel.
I think I won't ever see the light at the end of the fucking tunnel.
I think I am in the midst of a existentialist crisis.
I think I just need to get more sleep............

"Swallow all your tears my love and put on a new face.."

2007-11-05T00:41:00.000-05:00

"Ain't nuttin but a G thing baby.."

2007-09-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

marriedtothesea.com

This site is AWESOME! Check it out.

"This anger’s felt not spoken"

2007-09-09T20:28:00.000-04:00

I just don't see the need to bother any longer. I don't want to jump through the hoops anymore. I won't repay the same debt over and over and over and over....see where this is headed? So do I. He'll never get it, he'll never feel secure, he'll never see what he has, he will just stay right where he is,and he is incapable of change. He can keep saying sorry. The words from his mouth are just as vacant and hollow as his soul. He breaks things he cannot fix, he says things that should be left unsaid, he squanders all he is given, and swims in the sea of his self-righteousness.
I live in skin that is the embodiment of all my faults, real and self assigned, hands that tremble and a mind that is constantly at race, I'll never be the perfection that he seeks. Each year my soul erodes more and more, I wonder what is left, does it even matter anymore? He wears his self righteousness and it is all the protection he needs. He should lie beside it at night, hold it in his arms, maybe it can be the thing that fills what he lacks. I just know I don't want to be that anymore.

"It was just to see, just to see (All the things you knew I'd written about you...)"

2007-08-27T00:37:00.000-04:00

I don't get the MySpace phenomenon...yes, I have a page, school alumni stuff. I can't recall the last time I was on there. I use it to get updates on musicians I enjoy, ie concert pre-sales, new singles, blah, blah, blah. Some of my friends and acquaintances have profiles there. The thing is though, if I want to talk to them...I go see them, I call them, I write them a letter...aren't those legitimate forms of communication and interaction? It's the same thing with small town back biting. If I so offend you have the chutzpah to speak up. Better yet quit living in the delusion that you have no idea why I find you to be a malevolent blight, we both know the particulars, I moved on you might want to do the same. If pressed my reply is that I have no need for duplicitous self obsessed twits. The funny thing is...most of these "people" rarely if ever come up. I assume most people don't like me, in fact a women once said she "enjoyed me" then said I reminded her of "The Soup Nazi", quite a dubious compliment. I operate under the assumption that I in fact am not liked...I keep waiting for the truth to come out when my loved ones are on their collective deathbeds. So the structure of MySpace and it's "friends" escapes my very nature. If I want to get updates on a band I like I have to request that I be added as a friend, then wait their approval. The college admissions process is less arbitrary. So I will never be a scion of MySpace or beloved by the backbiters of my pedestrian burg, alas inner fulfillment will have to suffice.

"So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,Blue skies from pain"

2007-08-20T14:18:00.000-04:00

When did being 83 equate to a death watch? My grandmother is dying and there's not a goddamn thing that anyone can do about it. She went in the nursing home for rehab.....she was so frigging crotchety that she refused to do anything to help herself. The walker at the home was "rickety" so she wouldn't use it, the food was terrible..."not even fit for dogs", so she refused to eat it. Her mind was still there...her will to live...vanished. Where had it gone? Where was the woman who sent us to fetch her a switch when we acted like heathens? The woman who taught me to embroider, to bargain shop, and gave me bumper bangs with plats? Where is Eloise and who is this frail woman that has taken my grandma's place? People get old. It doesn't comfort me this truism. It doesn't make my grandma's inevitable death any easier to face or prepare for....it does nothing to erase the guilt I feel for not being there to just see her, to make her smile, to make her laugh....I may never see or hear her do those things again. I hate being so poor that I can either fly out to her now and not be able to attend her funeral or never see her alive again. It is the cruelest conundrum. Especially since today is her birthday and I can't be there.

"I'm back...I'm back in the saddle again. I'm back"

2007-07-05T21:47:00.000-04:00

The fireworks are over...the fried dough is gone...it's time to get my blog on.

The big trial was today. The State of Maine v. Heather Willoughby-Bertrand. The day after the 4th of July, coincidence? I doubt it, I am sure the district court planned to stroke as much furor as possible in the provincial town of Wiscasset....the only thing that could have made her chances worse was if she was black or a peace activist....I guess it just didn't pay to be a white girl from a upper middle class family. Doesn't that impugn you with magical powers? Isn't being a wheat-free mindful sage burning mystic enough to save you from the ravages of an unjust judicial system.....ohh the humanity! End of sarcasm.

I never thought that American flags should be flown off of a bridge held on by zip ties. It seemed tacky. That being said, The Greenleafs petitioned the town to do so...they wanted to honor their son, and others serving in Iraq. A token gesture sure but their right nevertheless. I can't say that I fully support the war...I still can't fathom why our president sent our troops there much like a lamb to slaughter. I am the daughter of veterans. My father served 2 tours in Vietnam....he enlisted while still in high school. He was raised during a time when people were indoctrinated to patriotism, to serve your country, to fight Communism. He believed that he was going to serve a greater good, to spread democracy to people that were oppressed. He thought he was doing the right thing. He was never the same again. Who is after seeing death, despair and wondering if this will be the day that you die. Who is the same after seeing a friend die right in front of them? These are the things he actually talks about, the things that he didn't bury within his soul much like the scores of others like him. My father was lucky....he lived....not fully the same but alive at least. He had a lay-over in New York on his way home. He had to wear his uniform, not to be gung-ho...because he had to. In the bathroom a group of men jumped him, beat him called him a murderer. He suffered permanent damage to his neck from that, untold damage to his soul.

At least he was given a semblance of a reason for why he was sent to Vietnam. Iraq? Why are servicemen there? What lofty noble endeavor have they sent themselves into....the whims of our pernicious government....our idiot savant commander-in-chief. I am far from the right, yet have no desire to inflame the masses for no reason. Those flags didn't blow off. Admit it...own it....quit being a petulant child who uses tantrums as a means of being. Stop ripping down signs you don't agree with because your self absorbed ego can't accept criticism.Don't lob gallons of milk at old ladies heads...even if they "provoke" you. Don't accuse a decent, kind, and loving women of not being a supportive friend because she dared to call your bluff. Real friends call you out when you're full of shit. Real friends work at maintaining a friendship. Real friends don't expect to come before life partners and children. Real friends don't tell a man his organ failed because he didn't "bond with it" Low fucking blow sister. Low fucking blow.
The Universe does not revolve around you.....it's the solar system not the "Heather system"

That being said, I did have a point. The Greenleafs lie awake at night wondering if the son they love will come home alive. He chose to join the military to serve his country, that is the job he is entrusted with. Would that be my choice..no. I would not go to a country who does not want my presence, I would not give my life for them. Does this make me unpatriotic? To some I'm sure. I serve humanity in other ways however small it may seem. I work at being a good person. It is work. The ability to do what is best for someone other than just yourself is the purpose of one's life. It does not always come easily. It is a life long tenure track.
Will a row of flags on a bridge solve all of our societal ills? No. But perhaps learning to see the perspectives of others will. Not seeing them is why this whole debacle came to fruition.

But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...

2007-06-11T13:18:00.000-04:00

How do you cut dead weight without it noticing it's dismissal? When can you walk away from the flogging of a dead horse? I wish I knew, life would be less complex that way, less ulcer inducing...
I find it simultaneously pathetic yet uttering endearing some peoples mind games, do you really think you make any impact to me other than to be the punchline to a joke?

"It doesn't matter what they say...It's just the jealous games people play"

2007-06-07T00:39:00.000-04:00

We are not maids. If you insist on referring to us as such then you can kindly go fuck yourself. We do not have breath that smells like necrotic flesh, nor do we think every women we meet wants to fuck us. You know who you are....you know whose two sided mouth your misinformed bile came from. Contrary to your condescending narcissist delusional belief you DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING at the "well informed" ripe old age of 21 or 22 or 23 or 25...so run along and be the stupid little shit you were meant to be, and leave life to those of us who have a clue.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round....."

2007-05-20T22:29:00.000-04:00

I am so annoyed that I've ceased to come up with urbane hipster song references.I am now the proud owner of an $800 paperweight. The screen on my laptop is cracked..No not filled with crack...that would have helped. It is a LCD rendition of a Jackson Pollack painting.

"I closed it the same way I always do? Oh no how could this have happened?" imagine a 35 year old man awash in feigned surprise. It could have been an honest mistake. But it wasn't.

Noontime that same day........
"Do you want to go to New York when I get back?" the question hurled at me with passive aggressive candor.

" Why?" Is there a point to this I wonder.

"So you can try out your back-up husband theory!" A smug smirk graces his face, proud at his barb.
The Wandering Jew lives in Crown Heights. It is a running joke that he is the back-up.He missed the boat by a matter of mere months. I'm sure that is still a regret to him on some subconscious level yet a relief as well.

Of course I am still here. Still here after 14 years of psychological torture by my in-laws, poverty, infertility, nervous breakdowns, countless medical crisis's, blah, blah, blah.
Did his brother who lives 12 blocks away ride in the ambulance when he was set on fire? Nope, he was standing right there yet couldn't hold his brother's hand and comfort him. But he could tell a small town he "saved his life" actually that would be his co-worker. You just stood there like a dolt...and sent your drama queen wife in your place. It makes a good story though...when the bar is quiet and the skanks want to take you home, you tell your tale of woe before you hit it on the bathroom floor. You're a classy guy numerous DUIs and all.
Then came the fun of Lymphoma! Guess what! I was the go-to guy for that too. Did the prodigal son/brother drive him to chemo? Shave his head when clumps of hair clogged the pipes? Carry him when he was too weak to walk? Explain what cancer was to a terrified crying pair of children? Then of course the real tragedy of his illness was that his size 00 sister couldn't count on him to comfort her when her life was too much for her. " I was soo upset when I found out about the cancer..cause I realized that I couldn't relie on him for help" Yes, that was the greatest loss to face. Who cares if three children lose their father? I mean the youngest was only a few months old so they wouldn't notice. Also it's not like watching your husband die from cancer is that horrible...I mean the stick with fake tits had problems...of course that takes precedence. I am so selfish...I have a back-up anyway.
But I'm still here. I live in Maine, not NYC. I sleep next to a pissy little Atheist each night, not a temperamental Jew. I work like Toby most days, with little to no thanks. I gave him three children, sure that sounds cliched..but you know what it's a pretty big fucking deal. I am there everyday when no one else dares to care. Why? I have a back-up.I don't have to hang in there. I can think of only myself, what I want, what I need, what matters to me.

But then I would be just like the prodigal brother/son and the self absorbed breasts with two legs without souls. I would be like every person before me who let him down,crushed his soul, destroyed his trust...left him alone when he needed them the most. Then I wouldn't be the woman he loves. I wouldn't be the woman I see in the mirror each day...world weary yet hopeful. Tired, beleaguered and oddly grateful for my life. I wouldn't be the one who loves him unconditionally even when he takes it for granted. I wouldn't be me. I'd just be a back-up for a real human being...and that's the worst back-up of all.

"And these songs that we sing do they mean anything...."

2007-04-29T21:28:00.000-04:00

At what point can you let go of the past? What if your past has a living entity you see everyday? How do you let go of someone whose eyes look back at you even when they aren't there?
Do we ever truly stop loving those who touch our soul even after we cease to matter to them?
Why was I so disposable....why was my son?

"Whether times are good or bad,happy or sad"

2007-04-16T23:26:00.000-04:00

Sometimes other's pain can effect you more than you care to admit. Sometimes what seems like anger is really fear. Sometimes you hold on to optimism when all that the outside world sees is apathy. Sometimes all you want is a happy ending.Sometimes you want to post a song on your blog for a friend to hear...just so they know, that you are pulling for them...both. Enjoy. I know it will get better.

Press Play........

"Takes a lot of time to push away the nonsense"

2007-04-13T22:05:00.000-04:00

A Ode to the Crow amongst the lichen...and the shrubbery. Enjoy.

" I'm just sitting here watchin the wheels go round and round....."

2007-04-11T11:52:00.000-04:00

I Believe

I believe - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe - that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe - that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe - that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe - that 2 people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe - that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you..

I believe - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe - that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe - that you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.

I just did.

www.roots2life.com

A profound litany of truths sent to me by a fellow member of Stumble Upon.

"Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge...I'm tryin not to lose my head..."

2007-04-10T22:56:00.000-04:00

What price is loyalty? At what point is it not worth your own integrity? Where do you draw the line? I can't seem to find the exit. It's as if life is an interstate system of absurdity punctuated by roadside attractions of folly. The "great flag flap" has grown into the proverbial fucking elephant in the middle of the room. I signed a ticket with "go fuck yourself" that was my choice...I took responsibility, I accepted the consequence of my actions. My choice cost me $500 dollars....not much else. I didn't get made into a community pariah nor did I think my opinion was the only one worth acknowledging. I never told the officer that "you're just giving me this because I'm black" but some suspended their belief and accepted this as fact. I must believe their gospel or I am disloyal, supporting the wrong people, accepting others false perceptions which they use as proof of their persecution. Life is rarely that simple, rarely that dogmatic...at least it should not be. I don't think you should clothespin flags to a bridge, I feel that it is tacky. That being said there are bigger things for me to lose sleep over.....cancer, poverty,the weight of parenthood, the suffering of people in Darfur, the inequities of life. Cheap flags on a bridge do not rate in the bigger picture. What does rate? Not browbeating others into a comprised sense of loyalty by taking on a sense of martyrdom due to an inability to accept personal responsibility. Was the removal of those flags a plot to undermine the patriotism of others or a anti-war rebuke? No....that would have had a purpose. That would have had meaning, a sentiment backed by conviction, passion, and ethics.Would that have been my vehicle to affect change? No. What would I have done? Kept driving. Why? Because a woman who rednecks accuse of looking like a terrorist knows better. I don't get the benefit of the doubt. I am always guilty even when surrounded by the truth. My extra melanin casts shadow over others ability to look at me fairly in a lot of instances. I do not accept this in so much that I have learned to cope with it. It has given me a gift in someways.....the gift of seeing what is worth fighting for, and what is worth ignoring. I use to think that the key to life was tolerance. I know after enduring many struggles that this is not enough. We must accept and respect the beliefs of others, if we do not how can we expect the same in return? Even if we do not always receive it we can not abandon these integrity's even when our anger beckons us to. If we do we become no better than what we abhor.

"Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there."

2007-03-27T23:48:00.000-04:00

So what do you think would happen to a flag mounted to a bridge with clothespins? Yes, clothes pins, the kind that hold billowing linens in the summer sun. Now picture that it's raining, the wind is a low grade gale you're driving along the flag lands on your windshield. What do you do? Keep driving ignoring the obstruction whilst noticing a path of other flags strewn upon the side of the bridge in the muck. Or do you get out and pick them up so you can take them to the police? Nope, wrong answer. You should leave them alone unless you want to be vilified on the local news characterized as a flag stealing terrorist.
My friend Heather learned this the hard way Monday afternoon, she had the unenviable luck to land herself in the middle of a political flap. You see she was just trying to feed a turtle... a transgendered turtle, seriously. But to get to the turtle she had to cross a bridge, lined with flags....held on with clothespins.

On the Westport Island bridge the family of a serviceman clothes pinned small American flags to the bridge. Yes...they used clothespins....clothespins. Classy huh? Well some jackass has been "vandalizing" them, which went largely unnoticed until said family called the police....then the media.Since when did the evening news become a vehicle to advance ones own personal agenda? They made themselves the cause celeb of their insular burg triumphing their patriotic self righteousness. All the while maintaining that there was no politics involved. They were just "supporting" the troops....hmm I thought you displayed yellow ribbons for that? But what do I know I'm only the child of two veterans. I grew up on military bases, my mother was a career serviceman that enlisted in the 1970s. Did I mention that she was a Afro-Chicana? Yes, a women of color in the military...in the 70s picture it, it was fucking tough. So I am not talking out of my ass here. If you want to fly the flag do so respectfully, follow the U.S. Uniform Flag Code. DO NOT ADHERE IT TO A BRIDGE IN THE MIDDLE OF EAST BUM FUCK IN THE RAIN, UNILLUMINATED HELD UP WITH A GODDAMN CLOTHES PIN! And yes there is such a thing as flag etiquette.
I could go on, but I have indigestion......I have no idea where that came from...but nevertheless I'm done.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack....

2007-03-22T01:59:00.000-04:00

Home improvement rears it's ugly head! I've been actually doing things and not writing.manana...manana....manana my minions.

Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?

2007-02-22T23:52:00.000-05:00

I have chosen sleep over posting to this blog as of late. And home improvement projects...that has been the priority. But alas the natives are getting restless so I need to get on it.....tomorrow.

Monday night I feel so low Count the hours they go so slow

2007-01-29T23:03:00.000-05:00

If anyone guesses where that lyric comes from I'll give you a medal. Considering that only Elizabeth and Heather read this blog it will be a fight to the death. I am almost embarrassed I chose this song. It's a bit difficult to be witty with someone snoring beside you, unless you want to go on a rant about snoring. My legs are sore from the dance class Sunday which makes me feel old...as well as out of shape. It's back to the gym for this chick. It seems the only thing I have any control over is the conditioning of my physical self. It is some subconscious response to the air of sickness permeating every pore of my soul. Should I become one of those over zealous gym rats? Will it make me feel any relief from the realities of my life....perhaps not but my ass will look good in tight pants, which is what life is really all about. JLo seems ecstatic...her ass in tight pants...good, I rest my case.

Really think I better get a hold of myself

2007-01-28T23:25:00.000-05:00

I went to a dance class with Heather tonite. It wasn't as bad as I thought...it wasn't bad at all really. Of course the career martyr gave me the passive aggressive full court press upon my return. I could feign surprise but alas no...he shared his disdain before I left.

" Can I tell you something? I really would like it if you didn't go..it's not a good idea"

I went anyway. It didn't matter that I am a adult who can make their own decisions, he "knows" better. Why? Because pretentious bird was there. I didn't go to antagonize him...I went to keep a friend company. End of fucking story. So now I must endure the silent treatment....ohh dear god how will I ever go on?

Did he ever confront Nina on her bullshit? Nope
His family? Nope
But he can tell me how to plan my day?
Whatever sucker said that love was everything was fucking delusional.

...Some girls are bigger than others....

2007-01-26T01:12:00.000-05:00

I have discovered a new obsession.....finding my celebrity doppelganger. I have been spending an inordinate amount of time at MyHeritage.com using their face recognition program to find which celebrity I resemble. I have to admit that I have never really been told I look like anyone famous.....yes that disappoints me. Of course growing up in white suburbia I was always told I looked like whatever "brown" person was famous at the time. I dreaded the season premiere of "The Cosby Show" because I knew that the next day some jackass was going to say I looked like Theo's girlfriend or whatever girl caught their eye. Usually I got told I looked like Lisa Bonet or Neneh Cherry. I don't...not that they are not beautiful....but contrary to popular belief " we all don't look alike". So here's some of my results....enjoy.

Update: January 28, 11:20 PM

I somehow deleted the photos...oh well my celebrity was getting to all be a bit much.

And you can tell everybody, this is your song

2007-01-20T00:16:00.000-05:00

Artwork by SHAG

"This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)"

Talking Heads

Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - burn with a weak heart
(So I) guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up + say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - -she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be

Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh

Welcome to your life. There's no turning back.

2007-01-19T23:32:00.001-05:00

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus but he talks like a gentleman

2007-01-17T13:09:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year lemmings. I have been enjoying the fruits of unemployment. Which are you ask? Soul crushing self-doubt, personal inadequateness, insomnia, no sex drive and ahh yes tons of free time to peruse celebrity gossip. Envy, I know you have it don't you? It's not really that bad, I am no stranger to poverty as such....but getting canned 5 days before Christmas is a bit....demoralizing. I know my job was shit, I loathed it....I had vivid fantasies of sabotaging the press with a giant Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man. Yet no one likes getting fired....unless they are on a reality show and can parlay it into 15 minutes of unworthy celebrity and a spread in Maxim. But alas I am too "chubby" to be in Maxim. At least according to the forest dwelling prophet. Thanks Crow without a Nest, if a working erection were a prerequisite you'd be ass out as well.

It's far too easy to make fun of him...I should resolve to stop. Fuck that...he's too self absorbed to leave unscathed. The oozing pretentiousness is akin to the stench of patchouli at a Grateful Dead show.I am just unenlightened. No, I am still angry at the knowledge that I was duped. The ego is a powerful motivator. How does he do it? It is not all that difficult to decipher in the land of new age bullshit. Maine, "the way life should be" ; if you subscribe to middle class angst and self entitlement masquerading as spirituality. The pied piper of inner fulfillment is the emperor without any soul.

..this is a man's world...but it would be nothing without a women or a girl...

2006-12-25T23:20:00.001-05:00

James Brown is dead. No I'm not fucking quoting a 90s techno tune....The Godfather of Soul has passed. He was the reason I had rhythm...what a fucked up thing to happen on Christmas. Teach the angels to get funky Mr. Brown...you are sure gonna be missed.

I am tired..I am weary. I could sleep for a thousand years..

2006-12-07T22:35:00.000-05:00

It's supposed to snow the majority of the weekend.....yippee fucking yah!!! To those who don't know, that was sarcasm. Just wanted to point that out from the onset. I am in a mood...when am I not right? No..no most days I get pissy about something vent, then I'm fine. I really am fine for the most part...then from out of proverbial no where a surge of wistful melancholy bubbles out like milk bubbles from the nose of a gurgling child. WTF? Too much rattles around this head...I think too much. It's my Achilles heel..the cerebral nature that sabotages otherwise per functionary situations. I need to sleep this is self defeating at best.

I wonder how's it gonna be, When you don't know me?

2006-12-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

The age old question.....do you really ever truly know anyone? And if so how can you still look them in the eye after their inflated self importance rears it's proverbial "ugly head" ?

I don't need to find inner fulfillment. Bold statement I know, but true nevertheless. Throughout my life the greatest struggles I've encountered I've faced on my own. I got through them on my own....how is that possible? The truth? I just get up each day and go on. I guess there should be more to it than that..some profound epiphany, or life mantra culled from mystical texts infused with life altering dogma.

No.....
It's a baby walking toward me like a teetering lush....
A witty retort from a friend.....
A pint of Guinness..
The hope and innate purity of my children's love....
The verdigris of Angelo's eyes..
A wave crescendoing upon barnacled rocks, while feeling the salty sweet spray upon my cheek...
The outline of the words " i love you" traced upon my back as I fall asleep...
Being knocked down by the twists of life and just getting back up...
Knowing that I love..
And that others love me back...

Wanting people in my life doesn't make me weak, it doesn't make me needy. Wanting to spend time with people I care about, cherish, and find intoxicating isn't an attempt to fill a void in my soul. I don't need to find "inner fulfillment" within myself....who I am within is why all these things matter to me. If I was empty inside my soul I would never be able to articulate any of this. Sometimes we really don't know others....not because we can't...but because they are too empty to allow us to.

Money for nothin' and your chicks for free

2006-12-03T23:38:00.001-05:00

Siendo uno con la Naturaleza II, originally uploaded by Seivonia.

I guess more people are into primitive skills than I thought. Apparently they do get "wood". Are am I "barking" up the wrong tree...er um stump...Elizabeth this was so for you. It's so cool that you're my friend.

...and you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack...

2006-12-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

Big news!!!! Ben called, Armen is a dipshit and UCLA beat USC!!!

Friday evening the wandering Jew called me back...I almost fainted. Ben has not been one to reply to phone messages in a reasonable frame of time. Perhaps the big booty beauties of Crown Heights have worked their mojo on him? Either way it was a bringer of smiles to my face. A welcome respite from my conversation on Thursday. Did this call bring me "inner fulfillment" ? Alas no that can only come within....at least according to Dudley Dipshit aka Armen . Before his class on Thursday my "friend" shared some wisdom with me. Apparently he thinks I am using him to fill a void within me...don't flatter yourself. Thanks for proving me wrong.....you really weren't worth the effort were you? I guess I'll never know.

.. see that girl, watch that scene, diggin the Dancing Queen

2006-10-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

I relish the use of the silent treatment. It's a tad childish but very effective. As if his exile in the kitchen awash in the glory of "Monday Night Football" is wounding me. Ha! He could sleep in there and it could hardly register a blip on my radar. Maybe he'll break another phone.....nope he already did that. Maybe Dee will appear on our doorstep and whisk him away from me? I wonder how much I'd have to pay her? I should look into that. Why is he yawning? What could he have done to be tired? Ohh that's right being a self absorbed passive aggressive loaf takes alot of energy.

You should see how it feels With your feet on the ground

2006-10-30T20:26:00.000-05:00

Throwing Stones ~ Paula Cole

"> So call me a bitch in heat and
I'll call you a liar
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

There you go again you cut me off from talking
You bask in the glory
The center of the circle
All the friends think you are a comedian
So kind and generous
but i am suffering
Away from here
I wanna be
Away from here
Away from here
Away from every little thing
Every little thing
I used to love your every little, every little thing

Now you call me a bitch in heat and
I call you a liar
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

You're the puppeteer and i'm the puppet
You manipulate me with your real catholic shit
Everytime i try to talk it through
You turn it around and make us out to be
like David and Goliath

Away from here
I wanna be
Away from here
Away from here
Away from every little thing
Every little thing
I used to love your every little every little thing

Now you call me a bitch in heat and
I'll call you a liar
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

Your arms beneath me
Your lying inside me
I used to love your every little every little thing
Your eyes blue stars
Your hand in my purse
And now I hate your every little everything all day

Oh momma
I didn't know life was this hard
Oh momma
My innocence has been tarred

My inner vision, dulled and darkened
I keep myself away to you
I fuck my sorrow humblely
And throw my crown upon the ground

It's you I hope for
And us I pray for
And me that I believed was wrong
But now my anger is my best friend
Be careful may bite your head off

Liar

So call me a bitch in heat and
I'll you a liar
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

So call me a bitch in heat and
I'll you a motherfucker
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

Just a little glimpse of what I'm feelin tonight. Why do I even get up most days....other than my offspring...why. If I had been him...he would have broken in two...not because of my pain. Because he could never do what I've done. He could never hold all of this together. He could never put us first. He can't even deal with me being gone a hour. When did I become nothing more than a vessel to bear children, a chauffeur, a maid, a warm body in a bed unappreciated. When? April 28th......thirteen years ago.

.....always look on the bright side of life...

2006-10-29T16:55:00.000-05:00

I did it. I emailed them...I must be out of my damn mind. They stop speaking to me over 2 years ago....yet they still speak to Nina. WTF? I am a masochist. I should have never sent that message. I should have just mourned the demise of a one sided relationship. I should let it lie.

...that's the night that the lights went out in Georgia...

2006-10-29T15:47:00.000-05:00

That could be the cheesiest post title yet. I couldn't resist.....it was so lame. I read other blogs to get a sense of how much I lack a sense of cohesiveness. The ones featured on 'Blogs of Note" seem to always have a discernible focus....I should get one. But what? Porn reviews? Politics? Indie Music? Celebrity Gossip? YAWN ; )
None of that seems to appeal enough to me to write about on a consistent basis. I am supposed to be "...Educating Maine, One Caucasian at a Time.." I have yet to do this. Perhaps I should have a giveaway of some sort! Okay that works. Here it is..........name each song that I culled my posts titles from. That's it. If you get them all right I'll buy you a coffee.....and maybe I'll convince Armen to give you a "Happy Ending" I can deliver the coffee for sure.....Armen, well that might take some work. He is quite cute and he has yet to register any hits on the Slap Tally so...any thing's possible.
So give it a go! Name that tune....get caffeine and some lifeguard lovin'. Send your entries to:
tokenethnicgirl@gmail.com
Good Luck : )

...all I'm sayin pretty baby La La Love You don't mean maybe..

2006-10-29T10:32:00.000-05:00

Hotmail ate my message. That was a good thing, if it had reached it's intended recipient there would have been a maelstrom on the horizon. Why reach out to one who rejects you? Who was a supposed friend, who should care, who should not have gone 2 years without speaking to you. Because you're a sap, because you miss them, because you need a why. Why? I never stopped caring....why did you...Why?

You will always wonder how It could have been if you'd only lied

2006-10-28T11:54:00.000-04:00

How do you wade through bullshit? When you're knee deep in it and the other person does the backstroke in it. How can you build a real friendship on that? When you constantly feel as though every statement is a moral litmus test. Why can't life be simple. Simple

..tempted but the truth was discovered....

2006-10-27T21:38:00.000-04:00

What kind of person signs a ticket with an expletive? I do....that's right..."Go fuck yourself" seems like a perfectly reasonable manner in which to sign a summons. I could have ran her down with my car, donkey punched her or gouged her eyes out with my keys. No I chose to express my disgust in print. Which apparently earned me another summons. Thank you Ofc. Small, you humourless cunt. I can only hope your dog injures you in a tragic yet scandalous peanut butter accident. I can only hope that someone really yells at you...not just speaks in an unwavering voice to defend themselves....but you know us "colored folks" we're always yellin' at you mighty white folks. Perhaps you've seen far too many women's prison films? Did that influence your career in law enforcement? No you get off on your supposed superiority....a badge does not automatically entitle you to respect. Do you earn respect by loitering at Puffin Stop for 4 hours sipping free coffee whilst gossiping with the cashier you're trying to sleep with? Or fixing violations for your friends? Or stealing artwork and passing it off as your own? Did you earn respect by vandalizing your track coach's car....to hide your sexuality....hmm how sad that you need a uniform to be authentic. I'll pay my fines, I'll switch my license over....but I will NEVER respect you or your unearned authority. Ohh before I forget........GO FUCK YOURSELF MICHELLE!

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground

2006-10-19T23:20:00.000-04:00

At what point do you just say fuck it? What has to transpire in your world to give those words meaning? Sometimes it is the minute of occurrences....the smallest of details..the pettiest of squabbles.
Why would his birthday merit more consideration than my offspring? Or mine for that matter? Why is the task of resolving disputes heaved at me? Am I impugned with special powers for fighting evil.....a magic lasso....an invisible jet? No...sadly no. I could really use a lasso.

Like some Baby Barbarella with the stars as her umbrella

2006-10-08T16:58:00.000-04:00

Why are drapery rods so vexing? They hold up curtains not the magnetic pull of earth. But yet they can reduce otherwise sane, rational, and serene people to fits of madness over whether they are straight or not. Whether they are placed at the appropriate level for the drapes to hang "just so" ..... languishing upon the floor in an chic puddle or grazing the sill of a window. It really shouldn't be the focus of a entire Sunday.

She'll talk to you with no one else around.......

2006-10-07T16:50:00.000-04:00

ac·quain·tance
Pronunciation: &-'kwAn-t^&n(t)s
Function: noun
2 a : the persons with whom one is acquainted
b : a person whom one knows but
who is not a particularly close friend

¹snub
Pronunciation: 'sn&b
Function: transitive verb
1 : to check or stop with a cutting retort
3 : to treat with contempt or neglect

Ennesimo babbuino

2006-09-24T14:28:00.001-04:00

Ennesimo babbuino, originally uploaded by Gummo.

A beautiful shot from Flickr, posted by Gummo.

..as the flames rose to her Roman nose and her walkman started to melt.....

2006-09-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

Why do people not comprehend the concept of 4 way stops? Did they not pay attention to the finer points of traffic rules during the driver's exam? Are they smoking meth and oblivious to the the mundane aspects of functioning in society? WTF! Today was just not even worth wearing deodorant for.....it sounded better in my head anyway. I feel like a depressed rodent stuck in a Plexiglas bowl rolling around the pet store of life gnawing at my paws frantically as if this action will give me clarity.

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before.......

2006-09-17T13:53:00.000-04:00

I sleep better now knowing Bath PD is protecting me from teenage garage bands without permits. Aren't they akin to WMDs or the Taliban....or worse Yanni live in concert. Friday nite was Heather's open house complete with live music and the accompanying teenage entourage, resplendent in all black, hair artfully spiked, sullen demeanor....ahh memories. But alas the fuzz shut um down like U2 in downtown LA....where the streets have no name......
I guess they ran out of free coffee and inane conversation at Puffin Stop. Which is curious to say the least, I have seen Bath's finest parked there for hours on end hangin out like pedophiles at a penny arcade. However they swung into action to disperse a public menace.....teenagers doing something productive, non violent and horror of horrors...creative.
I am glad my tax dollars fund the combat of such a public siege on the pristine nature of our fair downtown. Thank you Ofc. Small for taking time out of your busy schedule of ticket writing, coffee drinking and holding up the front counter at Puffin Stop to save me from these malcontents.....god bless you...and your drug sniffing doggie too.

Attention......

2006-09-17T13:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know I should post more...but the new meth lab is eating away at my free time. So I started a new version of this on Blogger Beta. This is the new link: www.tokenethnicgirl.blogspot.com

There is music, there is new posts, there are nude photos of Bath city council members......okay I can't back that up.....besides you really don't want to see those folks au natural. Perhaps there will be porn reviews in the future.....at the very least I'll bitch about things. See Elizabeth, I told you I was gonna write about this on my BLOG. : )

....I see this happening in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine.....

2006-09-02T15:39:00.000-04:00

So now the ball and chain has a link to Lance Armstrong, no he has both balls still. He's a cancer survivor....the scans were clear, it's gone....it's fucking gone. I keep thinking I should have had some sort of emotional blood letting yet I'm just numb. Numb with relief that I don't have to add widow to my repertoire...numb to the aspect of the other shoe dropping. But I'm not numb to hope....I still have that in spite of the lot we've endured...I still have him....I still have hope.

....I feel pretty and witty...

2006-08-27T16:04:00.000-04:00

So this it the new beta version. I only ended up here due to vanity, I wanted a better looking template. I end up with a simple black facade. Figures...I am such a goober sometimes.

You asked him what?

2006-07-23T22:51:00.000-04:00

My title has nothing to do with this. I do that a lot, when I use to email people with some frequency my subject lines were meant to entice. They were some idiosynthcratic play on words or subtext that only I seemed to get. Maybe that's why I stopped talking to them...
I use to want people to get me, I use to give a shit, now I just get...get by. I can't pinpoint when it all settled into a muddle of vagueness. There were the usual "Kodak Moments", children, relationship of note, adulthood....onset of mood disorder. And then the "Lifetime TV Movie Moments", vagabond rental hell, sinister in-laws, murder of loved ones....cancer. Not mine, his. I think I am perpetually healthy for some greater purpose not because I take great care of myself. If I opened a vein it'd probably be 95% espresso with traces of Nos.
Maybe this is the great charade that's my life....maybe this is all there is. Maybe I'm just really tired and have nothing to really say. Maybe I asked too much.

Welcome to the hip new thang....

2006-07-23T14:53:00.000-04:00

So I started a blog.....I am now one of those people I mock relentlessly as I zone out in traffic....listening to college radio.