Nothing like insomnia and intense loatheing of "family" members to kick you in the ass. I have not posted regularly and think this needs to change...RIGHT NOW.
Social networking is much like the marginalizing culture of schoolyard cliques and the jugular grabbing is particularly vicious with extended family. I say family, but in truth, the space this person occupies is more of "insipid twit cousin", to be fair their brothers are great guys...who don't shun me.
I have never gotten along with this cousin,in part, due to a lifelong habit of temerity coupled with good looks far superior to theirs. I don't actually think much of the good looks part, in fact I am the originator of fake self esteem™, and practice it as a means of self deprecation wrapped within a cocoon of social buttress. It seems to work, in theory at least.I did not grow up in close proximity to my cousins and our "bonding" was confined to summers, holidays and death, which did not lead to much but an obligatory knowledge, toleration and acknowledgment of our kinship. Well I cannot say that this maximum holds true for all my cousins..just two and they make quite the pair. One likes to steal husbands and the other lives in a parallel universe where she is literally better than *anybody* else...in her mind at least.
How does this relate to social networking? Facebook. Fucking goddamn Facebook.
I have had more conversations with a kid in Malaysia, about Fashion Wars, then my cousin who excludes me from our family's online presence. I do not know what is more bothersome, her assignment of my leper status or my mother's continual cordial treatment of her, my objections notwithstanding. My cousin, the husband stealer, still gets birthday gifts from my mom, handmade in fact...yes I am in therapy and no it does not diminish my anger at the absurdity of the situation.
When our grandmother died two years ago I was forced to deal with both cousins while attempting to grieve for a woman I felt I failed, but that is a whole other post in & of itself. I flew into Florida and made the car ride to Texas with a sense of eminent dread, not just the obvious, ie. deal with dead grandmother, but knowing I had to step foot in my cousin's house. I had not seen this person for 11 years, not since "the incident" and I had avoided any contact since. I was given the option of not staying there but didn't want to force anyone to drive an extra 2 hours, so I fucking sleep on the couch. We never spoke about the past and the conciliatory concession offered up was breakfast taquitos with coffee. I didn't even have to pay, I had paid enough already perhaps and I was too tired for indignation. I made it through the funeral, Texas heat and inherent lunacy thereof. It was on a ride, to Wal-mart of all palces, that my aunt offered up a curious statement:
"Thank you for being forgiving to (insert name). It was very Jesus-like of you.."
Of all the traits I've been assigned this was by far the most disconcerting, yet it makes one wonder; would my cousin deny Jesus' friend request quite as quickly as mine and why should I always be the one to offer up the forgiveness time after time.
