But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...

How do you cut dead weight without it noticing it's dismissal? When can you walk away from the flogging of a dead horse? I wish I knew, life would be less complex that way, less ulcer inducing...
I find it simultaneously pathetic yet uttering endearing some peoples mind games, do you really think you make any impact to me other than to be the punchline to a joke?

"It doesn't matter what they say...It's just the jealous games people play"

We are not maids. If you insist on referring to us as such then you can kindly go fuck yourself. We do not have breath that smells like necrotic flesh, nor do we think every women we meet wants to fuck us. You know who you are....you know whose two sided mouth your misinformed bile came from. Contrary to your condescending narcissist delusional belief you DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING at the "well informed" ripe old age of 21 or 22 or 23 or 25...so run along and be the stupid little shit you were meant to be, and leave life to those of us who have a clue.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round....."

I am so annoyed that I've ceased to come up with urbane hipster song references.I am now the proud owner of an $800 paperweight. The screen on my laptop is cracked..No not filled with crack...that would have helped. It is a LCD rendition of a Jackson Pollack painting.

"I closed it the same way I always do? Oh no how could this have happened?" imagine a 35 year old man awash in feigned surprise. It could have been an honest mistake. But it wasn't.

Noontime that same day........
"Do you want to go to New York when I get back?" the question hurled at me with passive aggressive candor.

" Why?" Is there a point to this I wonder.

"So you can try out your back-up husband theory!" A smug smirk graces his face, proud at his barb.
The Wandering Jew lives in Crown Heights. It is a running joke that he is the back-up.He missed the boat by a matter of mere months. I'm sure that is still a regret to him on some subconscious level yet a relief as well.

Of course I am still here. Still here after 14 years of psychological torture by my in-laws, poverty, infertility, nervous breakdowns, countless medical crisis's, blah, blah, blah.
Did his brother who lives 12 blocks away ride in the ambulance when he was set on fire? Nope, he was standing right there yet couldn't hold his brother's hand and comfort him. But he could tell a small town he "saved his life" actually that would be his co-worker. You just stood there like a dolt...and sent your drama queen wife in your place. It makes a good story though...when the bar is quiet and the skanks want to take you home, you tell your tale of woe before you hit it on the bathroom floor. You're a classy guy numerous DUIs and all.
Then came the fun of Lymphoma! Guess what! I was the go-to guy for that too. Did the prodigal son/brother drive him to chemo? Shave his head when clumps of hair clogged the pipes? Carry him when he was too weak to walk? Explain what cancer was to a terrified crying pair of children? Then of course the real tragedy of his illness was that his size 00 sister couldn't count on him to comfort her when her life was too much for her. " I was soo upset when I found out about the cancer..cause I realized that I couldn't relie on him for help" Yes, that was the greatest loss to face. Who cares if three children lose their father? I mean the youngest was only a few months old so they wouldn't notice. Also it's not like watching your husband die from cancer is that horrible...I mean the stick with fake tits had problems...of course that takes precedence. I am so selfish...I have a back-up anyway.
But I'm still here. I live in Maine, not NYC. I sleep next to a pissy little Atheist each night, not a temperamental Jew. I work like Toby most days, with little to no thanks. I gave him three children, sure that sounds cliched..but you know what it's a pretty big fucking deal. I am there everyday when no one else dares to care. Why? I have a back-up.I don't have to hang in there. I can think of only myself, what I want, what I need, what matters to me.

But then I would be just like the prodigal brother/son and the self absorbed breasts with two legs without souls. I would be like every person before me who let him down,crushed his soul, destroyed his trust...left him alone when he needed them the most. Then I wouldn't be the woman he loves. I wouldn't be the woman I see in the mirror each day...world weary yet hopeful. Tired, beleaguered and oddly grateful for my life. I wouldn't be the one who loves him unconditionally even when he takes it for granted. I wouldn't be me. I'd just be a back-up for a real human being...and that's the worst back-up of all.

"And these songs that we sing do they mean anything...."

At what point can you let go of the past? What if your past has a living entity you see everyday? How do you let go of someone whose eyes look back at you even when they aren't there?
Do we ever truly stop loving those who touch our soul even after we cease to matter to them?
Why was I so disposable....why was my son?

"Whether times are good or bad,happy or sad"

Sometimes other's pain can effect you more than you care to admit. Sometimes what seems like anger is really fear. Sometimes you hold on to optimism when all that the outside world sees is apathy. Sometimes all you want is a happy ending.Sometimes you want to post a song on your blog for a friend to hear...just so they know, that you are pulling for them...both. Enjoy. I know it will get better.

Press Play........