"Nervous messed up marionettes Floating around on a prison ship"

I often wonder what first impression I make on random strangers, and if I am not only strange yet hopelessly random. I chalk it up to awkwardness and a feeling of jet propulsion that takes over my speech. I talk too much, too fast and without a filter. Charming is not the first word that comes to mind...crazed maybe. I think the internal awkwardness swimming in my head manifests its self into this whirling dervish, stream of consciousness mania that I feel compelled to let loose. It is unfurled haphazardly and earnestly, yet it pings wildly from many divergent points and I walk away from many a conversation convinced that the other person thinks I am a freak. I set this bet with regards to a fellow student. They often work late in the lab, not talking much and leaving in such quiet manner that I often do not know they have left. I figured that by the end of the semester we would have a proper conversation. Instead I unfurled crazy ramble girl instead. I think I should have just stayed in my office and not scared the guy. Great..another student who thinks I am a whackjob.I may just single handedly kill enrollment yet.

"Can you hear the drums Fernando?"

"So why don't you use it try not to bruise it, buy time don't lose it"

In my attempt to become a "better student" I neglected this great literary opus of a blog. Ok, it is not an opus..rub it in why don't you. I came to the conclusion that perhaps I should post more...I only have 1 follower. Sorry Rodney, I appreciate you I do, but why should you be the only one to suffer my inept written ramblings? No, there is a world full of people clamoring for my dazzling wit and finely tuned cynicism! It is my duty to humanity to post more! Just not tonight. There might be porn I have yet to download or ebay listings to follow...

"Stand up and be counted,for what you are about to receive "

The blog following is no longer zero!!!! Thanks Rodney.

Of course now I feel even more compelled to update on an semi-regular basis. I am going to start taking *Mrs. Fuckles' advice and blog the stream of consciousness rants that come out of my mouth.Today provided many points to rail about. It's the "holiday season" which compelled me to go to Freeport on a quest for...snow pants. The middle progeny put them on her Xmas list, I felt obliged to make a pilgrimage to the mecca of outlets and LL Bean to procure her humble guilt laden request. I say guilt-laden due to my daughter's ability to turn any slight into fodder for future therapy and scathing tell-all tome ala "Mommie Dearest"...I wouldn't mind the wardrobe or drag following though. My day was supposed to start at 10 am, but I fought the snooze and the snooze won,not to mention the fact that I was out of clean underpants;who can shop without clean undies seriously? I managed to make it to Casa Los Fuckles before noon, and was rewarded with a combo of fresh coffee plus a side of confab. Elizabeth and I managed to make it to Freeport to only be rewarded with parking turmoil...do the holidays cause people to become blinker deficient? Do you act like you are giving up your parking space just to watch other drivers become perturbed? After 15 minutes of circling like a buzzard in the midst of a panic attack I hit pay dirt..right in front of Starbucks. Parking and coffee! God must not completely hate me after all...
I always enjoy listening to other peoples' coffee orders;the self aware pretentious procedure of it bemuses me.I love coffee LOVE IT, but my self identity is not intrinsically mired in half foam, soy or splenda. I mean by all means order what you want, but don't posture like a low rent supermodel jonesing for cancer sticks and a Birkin bag. The middle age woman in front of us ordered her drink haughtily, while flipping her hair in our general direction; she scanned the crowd, with her nose cast skyward hopelessly clinging to a youth long since past. Was she on her way to Abercombie & Fitch to procure her double size zero jeans? Perhaps my recollection would not be so harsh if her disdain for her fellow coffee drinkers had not been so palatable. It was after all the holiday season, would it have killed her to show basic human respect and decency?

"I'm a loser baby..."

I think I have become resigned to failure. This morning my counselor made the observation that I am an enabler...the elephant in the room has been called out! Of course as luck would have it...illness strikes again;the professional patient was ill. The dialysis unit would not release him unless I took custody of him which meant missing class again. The CIS nazi will not accept late work or make up labs. Guess who is going to fail Computer Science..show of hands. Yep that would be me. I think I punched the steering wheel at least 20 times, and then numbness everywhere. This is supposedly the depression talking,but truthfully I think the jig is finally up and I really am a fucking loser. No unrealized potential, no chance, no prospects just the cold reality of mediocrity. I get points for showing up though because as the cliche goes "half of life is showing up". Thank G-d the oven isn't gas.