" I can't make you hang around.I can't wash you off my skin.Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out "

I tend not to self edit, which causes considerable damage in some social situations but this still hasn't served as a means for change. I continue to spew forth honesty that would be better left unsaid...I know no other way. My relationship examples are textbook narcissists,misogynists and philanders. I don't disclose this out of a desperate need for pity, I am just rather matter of fact regarding every facet of my life. I grew up seeing people living within the confines of their lies, it informed every action they executed, every nuance of their speech and left a child perplexed as to what ulitimately was meant by all of the duplicity. I now find myself hurling toward a maxim of honesty above all else. It makes me unbearable to live with, at least that's the feeling I get.

"Do you believe it in your head? It's so safe to play along"

Have you ever wondered what reaction spontaneous combustion could trigger in one's spouse? By that I mean, what would the husband or wife, whatever the case may be for you,do? Would they stand there dumbfounded or shriek "OH MY GOD!!!!" or if they're an atheist "What the fuck!!" Would they keep listening to the game or would they pause, acknowledge then move on? I assume that they would react. I assume too much. I use the concept of a "loved one" igniting in flames as an extreme albeit unlikely scenario...well in my case not so unlikely. The point? It would cause you to react.
Now say your wife packs a sizable amount of her belongings into her car, a Volvo station wagon, and then proceeds to leave. She then takes it upon herself to sleep in said car, why roomy not exactly 4 star accommodations, she then returns. Would you assume there would be a reaction? Not in this house. If you lived in this house you would behave with the dutiful passive aggressive nature that has become your nom de plume. If you lived in this house you'd make potshots under your breath then pretend to be silent. If you lived in this house you'd find inane things to start conversations with but ignore the bile creeping up the back of your throat. If you lived in this house...you'd sleep in a Volvo too.

"Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out.You won't remember anyway"

Is it really that horrible to be ruled by malignant indifference. You can surely function, and isn't the lowest basis for existence just that, to function.
I have become perfunctionary at best, self sabotaging when given the opportunity.I think I use to care, or did I really? The goal of each passing day has become an all consuming drive to perform a role worthy of critical acclaim
"And the Academy Award for Best performance of a normal human being goes to..."
I'm just playing a role and no one notices,cares or is the wiser. Well perhaps I underestimate my audience, they know and fall into their roles all too easily.

"I'll be forever blue.That you gimme no reason why you make me work so hard."

Here's some facts and figures to peruse. A answer to the quandary of whether Grad school is worth the costs involved...to be a Librarian. Please note the "wide" gulf in wages between what you earn with a BS or BA and the holy grail that is the ALA certified MLS.

MLA State-wide minimum salary guidelines are as follows:
Position (required degree) Compared with Hourly entry level and Annual entry level recommended wage.

Library page -- Minimum wage
Clerk -- $10.30--$21,424
Technician (High School diploma) $10.84 ---$22,547
Technician (Associates degree) $12.01 --$24,980
Librarian (Bachelor’s) $13.98 ----$29,078
Librarian (MLS or equivalent) $15.15 ---$31,512
Department Head (MLS or equivalent) 16.51 ----$34,340
Library Director $21.46---- $44,636

The difference hourly between library staff with a MLS and those with an BS/BA is $1.17. The annual difference in salary is $2434. Anyone care to venture a guess to the difference in cost for a undergrad vs. grad school? Well then if you can figure it up...you can pay my tuition and for the ulcer I will give myself.

You may be wondering what all these abbv. mean.....

MLA- Maine Library Assoc.
MLS- Master of Library Science
BA- ok I'm willing to venture you know this one
BS- no, not bullshit. See above

I should have held steadfast to my childhood dream of international jewel thief and beguiling chanteuse. Catsuits, sequins and playboys on the French Rivera hanging on my every word. Gotta work on that passport application...

"A heart that's full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you,bruises that won't heal."

The dream of being a librarian is over.I am now a Liberal Arts major...go ahead laugh, my apathy keeps me from really giving a shit. I'm more melancholy over the impending demise of one of my favorite blogs, no not Perez Hilton...the Unbomber is in prison so that ass hat is safe..for now, but rather the uplifting, life affirming missives of Stuff Black People Hate

Apparently he may be going the way of "Internet" sensation Christan Ladner, author of Stuff White People Like, and getting a book deal...I want a book deal. The problem is of course I'd have to start writing about the surreal absurdity that is my life, names would NOT be changed to protect identity...and I would in all likelihood get sued. The joke would be on the litigants....I am a broke ass negro.
Ahh fudgeknockers my laptop battery is about to give its swan song....Grr

More joy to come......

***UPDATE***
No book deal, the book will be self published.I would have bought it regardless, SBPH is hilliarous.

"That there...that's not me...I go where I please.."

That chick in the Facebook box, yes the one on the right, is not me. Or maybe it is.

The truth doesn't matter really, no one ever reads this fucking blog which is not unlike the words that come from my mouth, falling on deaf ears. The rain is starting to get to me.I was just coming out of the funk of winter and it's lack of sunshine..

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. It's not warm when she's away..

I need more coffee, my wit eludes me.

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling..Down, down, down"

It's August. I know that weather in Maine is unpredictable but come the fuck on!
OH GUESS WHAT!
It's raining again, as Gomer Pyle would say.."Surprise..Surprise..Surprise" The deary landscape and intermittent respites of solar delusion are beginning to wear thin, I tried to seize the fleeting good weather this weekend only to be rewarded with the knowledge that Issac Hayes died.
It's not as though the man was my uncle, and to be clear not every "colored" person is related to each other...I think, but on the heels of learning that a decent funny man died of pneumonia it stung. I use to imagine that the theme to "Shaft" was my own personal soundtrack growing up....that and the Wonder Woman theme. On a surreal note, Elizabeth's mom must be devastated, she was in love with Bernie Mac....odd considering she's a older white lady in a wheelchair. My friend Brooke and I use to reenact this scene from "Ocean's 11", the one between Matt Damon and Bernie Mac, Mac lungs at Damon and calls him a "cracker" to which Damon replies "Oh dear God.."
It's funnier in person I suppose or if you're wandering drunkenly through the Old Port. But I guess in the final analysis if your numbers up your numbers up...that sounds glib, but life stopped making sense to me a long time ago and glibness cushions the blows.