..this is a man's world...but it would be nothing without a women or a girl...

James Brown is dead. No I'm not fucking quoting a 90s techno tune....The Godfather of Soul has passed. He was the reason I had rhythm...what a fucked up thing to happen on Christmas. Teach the angels to get funky Mr. Brown...you are sure gonna be missed.

I am tired..I am weary. I could sleep for a thousand years..

It's supposed to snow the majority of the weekend.....yippee fucking yah!!! To those who don't know, that was sarcasm. Just wanted to point that out from the onset. I am in a mood...when am I not right? No..no most days I get pissy about something vent, then I'm fine. I really am fine for the most part...then from out of proverbial no where a surge of wistful melancholy bubbles out like milk bubbles from the nose of a gurgling child. WTF? Too much rattles around this head...I think too much. It's my Achilles heel..the cerebral nature that sabotages otherwise per functionary situations. I need to sleep this is self defeating at best.

I wonder how's it gonna be, When you don't know me?

The age old question.....do you really ever truly know anyone? And if so how can you still look them in the eye after their inflated self importance rears it's proverbial "ugly head" ?

I don't need to find inner fulfillment. Bold statement I know, but true nevertheless. Throughout my life the greatest struggles I've encountered I've faced on my own. I got through them on my own....how is that possible? The truth? I just get up each day and go on. I guess there should be more to it than that..some profound epiphany, or life mantra culled from mystical texts infused with life altering dogma.

No.....
It's a baby walking toward me like a teetering lush....
A witty retort from a friend.....
A pint of Guinness..
The hope and innate purity of my children's love....
The verdigris of Angelo's eyes..
A wave crescendoing upon barnacled rocks, while feeling the salty sweet spray upon my cheek...
The outline of the words " i love you" traced upon my back as I fall asleep...
Being knocked down by the twists of life and just getting back up...
Knowing that I love..
And that others love me back...


Wanting people in my life doesn't make me weak, it doesn't make me needy. Wanting to spend time with people I care about, cherish, and find intoxicating isn't an attempt to fill a void in my soul. I don't need to find "inner fulfillment" within myself....who I am within is why all these things matter to me. If I was empty inside my soul I would never be able to articulate any of this. Sometimes we really don't know others....not because we can't...but because they are too empty to allow us to.

Money for nothin' and your chicks for free

Siendo uno con la Naturaleza II, originally uploaded by Seivonia.

I guess more people are into primitive skills than I thought. Apparently they do get "wood". Are am I "barking" up the wrong tree...er um stump...Elizabeth this was so for you. It's so cool that you're my friend.

...and you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack...

Big news!!!! Ben called, Armen is a dipshit and UCLA beat USC!!!

Friday evening the wandering Jew called me back...I almost fainted. Ben has not been one to reply to phone messages in a reasonable frame of time. Perhaps the big booty beauties of Crown Heights have worked their mojo on him? Either way it was a bringer of smiles to my face. A welcome respite from my conversation on Thursday. Did this call bring me "inner fulfillment" ? Alas no that can only come within....at least according to Dudley Dipshit aka Armen . Before his class on Thursday my "friend" shared some wisdom with me. Apparently he thinks I am using him to fill a void within me...don't flatter yourself. Thanks for proving me wrong.....you really weren't worth the effort were you? I guess I'll never know.

.. see that girl, watch that scene, diggin the Dancing Queen

I relish the use of the silent treatment. It's a tad childish but very effective. As if his exile in the kitchen awash in the glory of "Monday Night Football" is wounding me. Ha! He could sleep in there and it could hardly register a blip on my radar. Maybe he'll break another phone.....nope he already did that. Maybe Dee will appear on our doorstep and whisk him away from me? I wonder how much I'd have to pay her? I should look into that. Why is he yawning? What could he have done to be tired? Ohh that's right being a self absorbed passive aggressive loaf takes alot of energy.

You should see how it feels With your feet on the ground

Throwing Stones ~ Paula Cole

"> So call me a bitch in heat and
I'll call you a liar
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

There you go again you cut me off from talking
You bask in the glory
The center of the circle
All the friends think you are a comedian
So kind and generous
but i am suffering
Away from here
I wanna be
Away from here
Away from here
Away from every little thing
Every little thing
I used to love your every little, every little thing

Now you call me a bitch in heat and
I call you a liar
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

You're the puppeteer and i'm the puppet
You manipulate me with your real catholic shit
Everytime i try to talk it through
You turn it around and make us out to be
like David and Goliath

Away from here
I wanna be
Away from here
Away from here
Away from every little thing
Every little thing
I used to love your every little every little thing

Now you call me a bitch in heat and
I'll call you a liar
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

Your arms beneath me
Your lying inside me
I used to love your every little every little thing
Your eyes blue stars
Your hand in my purse
And now I hate your every little everything all day

Oh momma
I didn't know life was this hard
Oh momma
My innocence has been tarred

My inner vision, dulled and darkened
I keep myself away to you
I fuck my sorrow humblely
And throw my crown upon the ground

It's you I hope for
And us I pray for
And me that I believed was wrong
But now my anger is my best friend
Be careful may bite your head off

Liar

So call me a bitch in heat and
I'll you a liar
And we'll throw stones until we're dead

So call me a bitch in heat and
I'll you a motherfucker
And we'll throw stones until we're dead


Just a little glimpse of what I'm feelin tonight. Why do I even get up most days....other than my offspring...why. If I had been him...he would have broken in two...not because of my pain. Because he could never do what I've done. He could never hold all of this together. He could never put us first. He can't even deal with me being gone a hour. When did I become nothing more than a vessel to bear children, a chauffeur, a maid, a warm body in a bed unappreciated. When? April 28th......thirteen years ago.

.....always look on the bright side of life...

I did it. I emailed them...I must be out of my damn mind. They stop speaking to me over 2 years ago....yet they still speak to Nina. WTF? I am a masochist. I should have never sent that message. I should have just mourned the demise of a one sided relationship. I should let it lie.

...that's the night that the lights went out in Georgia...

That could be the cheesiest post title yet. I couldn't resist.....it was so lame. I read other blogs to get a sense of how much I lack a sense of cohesiveness. The ones featured on 'Blogs of Note" seem to always have a discernible focus....I should get one. But what? Porn reviews? Politics? Indie Music? Celebrity Gossip? YAWN ; )
None of that seems to appeal enough to me to write about on a consistent basis. I am supposed to be "...Educating Maine, One Caucasian at a Time.." I have yet to do this. Perhaps I should have a giveaway of some sort! Okay that works. Here it is..........name each song that I culled my posts titles from. That's it. If you get them all right I'll buy you a coffee.....and maybe I'll convince Armen to give you a "Happy Ending" I can deliver the coffee for sure.....Armen, well that might take some work. He is quite cute and he has yet to register any hits on the Slap Tally so...any thing's possible.
So give it a go! Name that tune....get caffeine and some lifeguard lovin'. Send your entries to:
tokenethnicgirl@gmail.com
Good Luck : )

...all I'm sayin pretty baby La La Love You don't mean maybe..

Hotmail ate my message. That was a good thing, if it had reached it's intended recipient there would have been a maelstrom on the horizon. Why reach out to one who rejects you? Who was a supposed friend, who should care, who should not have gone 2 years without speaking to you. Because you're a sap, because you miss them, because you need a why. Why? I never stopped caring....why did you...Why?

You will always wonder how It could have been if you'd only lied

How do you wade through bullshit? When you're knee deep in it and the other person does the backstroke in it. How can you build a real friendship on that? When you constantly feel as though every statement is a moral litmus test. Why can't life be simple. Simple

..tempted but the truth was discovered....

What kind of person signs a ticket with an expletive? I do....that's right..."Go fuck yourself" seems like a perfectly reasonable manner in which to sign a summons. I could have ran her down with my car, donkey punched her or gouged her eyes out with my keys. No I chose to express my disgust in print. Which apparently earned me another summons. Thank you Ofc. Small, you humourless cunt. I can only hope your dog injures you in a tragic yet scandalous peanut butter accident. I can only hope that someone really yells at you...not just speaks in an unwavering voice to defend themselves....but you know us "colored folks" we're always yellin' at you mighty white folks. Perhaps you've seen far too many women's prison films? Did that influence your career in law enforcement? No you get off on your supposed superiority....a badge does not automatically entitle you to respect. Do you earn respect by loitering at Puffin Stop for 4 hours sipping free coffee whilst gossiping with the cashier you're trying to sleep with? Or fixing violations for your friends? Or stealing artwork and passing it off as your own? Did you earn respect by vandalizing your track coach's car....to hide your sexuality....hmm how sad that you need a uniform to be authentic. I'll pay my fines, I'll switch my license over....but I will NEVER respect you or your unearned authority. Ohh before I forget........GO FUCK YOURSELF MICHELLE!

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground

At what point do you just say fuck it? What has to transpire in your world to give those words meaning? Sometimes it is the minute of occurrences....the smallest of details..the pettiest of squabbles.
Why would his birthday merit more consideration than my offspring? Or mine for that matter? Why is the task of resolving disputes heaved at me? Am I impugned with special powers for fighting evil.....a magic lasso....an invisible jet? No...sadly no. I could really use a lasso.

Like some Baby Barbarella with the stars as her umbrella

Why are drapery rods so vexing? They hold up curtains not the magnetic pull of earth. But yet they can reduce otherwise sane, rational, and serene people to fits of madness over whether they are straight or not. Whether they are placed at the appropriate level for the drapes to hang "just so" ..... languishing upon the floor in an chic puddle or grazing the sill of a window. It really shouldn't be the focus of a entire Sunday.

She'll talk to you with no one else around.......

ac·quain·tance
Pronunciation: &-'kwAn-t^&n(t)s
Function: noun
2 a : the persons with whom one is acquainted
b : a person whom one knows but
who is not a particularly close friend

¹snub
Pronunciation: 'sn&b
Function: transitive verb
1 : to check or stop with a cutting retort
3 : to treat with contempt or neglect

Ennesimo babbuino

Ennesimo babbuino, originally uploaded by Gummo.

A beautiful shot from Flickr, posted by Gummo.

..as the flames rose to her Roman nose and her walkman started to melt.....

Why do people not comprehend the concept of 4 way stops? Did they not pay attention to the finer points of traffic rules during the driver's exam? Are they smoking meth and oblivious to the the mundane aspects of functioning in society? WTF! Today was just not even worth wearing deodorant for.....it sounded better in my head anyway. I feel like a depressed rodent stuck in a Plexiglas bowl rolling around the pet store of life gnawing at my paws frantically as if this action will give me clarity.

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before.......

I sleep better now knowing Bath PD is protecting me from teenage garage bands without permits. Aren't they akin to WMDs or the Taliban....or worse Yanni live in concert. Friday nite was Heather's open house complete with live music and the accompanying teenage entourage, resplendent in all black, hair artfully spiked, sullen demeanor....ahh memories. But alas the fuzz shut um down like U2 in downtown LA....where the streets have no name......
I guess they ran out of free coffee and inane conversation at Puffin Stop. Which is curious to say the least, I have seen Bath's finest parked there for hours on end hangin out like pedophiles at a penny arcade. However they swung into action to disperse a public menace.....teenagers doing something productive, non violent and horror of horrors...creative.
I am glad my tax dollars fund the combat of such a public siege on the pristine nature of our fair downtown. Thank you Ofc. Small for taking time out of your busy schedule of ticket writing, coffee drinking and holding up the front counter at Puffin Stop to save me from these malcontents.....god bless you...and your drug sniffing doggie too.

Attention......

Okay, I know I should post more...but the new meth lab is eating away at my free time. So I started a new version of this on Blogger Beta. This is the new link: www.tokenethnicgirl.blogspot.com

There is music, there is new posts, there are nude photos of Bath city council members......okay I can't back that up.....besides you really don't want to see those folks au natural. Perhaps there will be porn reviews in the future.....at the very least I'll bitch about things. See Elizabeth, I told you I was gonna write about this on my BLOG. : )

....I see this happening in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine.....

So now the ball and chain has a link to Lance Armstrong, no he has both balls still. He's a cancer survivor....the scans were clear, it's gone....it's fucking gone. I keep thinking I should have had some sort of emotional blood letting yet I'm just numb. Numb with relief that I don't have to add widow to my repertoire...numb to the aspect of the other shoe dropping. But I'm not numb to hope....I still have that in spite of the lot we've endured...I still have him....I still have hope.

....I feel pretty and witty...

So this it the new beta version. I only ended up here due to vanity, I wanted a better looking template. I end up with a simple black facade. Figures...I am such a goober sometimes.

You asked him what?

My title has nothing to do with this. I do that a lot, when I use to email people with some frequency my subject lines were meant to entice. They were some idiosynthcratic play on words or subtext that only I seemed to get. Maybe that's why I stopped talking to them...
I use to want people to get me, I use to give a shit, now I just get...get by. I can't pinpoint when it all settled into a muddle of vagueness. There were the usual "Kodak Moments", children, relationship of note, adulthood....onset of mood disorder. And then the "Lifetime TV Movie Moments", vagabond rental hell, sinister in-laws, murder of loved ones....cancer. Not mine, his. I think I am perpetually healthy for some greater purpose not because I take great care of myself. If I opened a vein it'd probably be 95% espresso with traces of Nos.
Maybe this is the great charade that's my life....maybe this is all there is. Maybe I'm just really tired and have nothing to really say. Maybe I asked too much.

Welcome to the hip new thang....

So I started a blog.....I am now one of those people I mock relentlessly as I zone out in traffic....listening to college radio.