"You put the load right on me...."

The new background looks like baby poop. One should not attempt editing at 2 am. The result is poop color choices. Discuss amongst yourselves, I am going to sleep on it.

"I am the next act waiting in the wings..I am an animal trapped in your hot car..I am all the days that you choose to ignore"

In Rainbows is a wonderous piece of sonic beauty. I fucking love Radiohead...they keep my head out of the oven. When I figure out how to post the mp3s I will. You should experience it.... It's....dare I say this...their best work since OK Computer. Limey bastards they floor me.

"Don’t seem to have that much to show. For all the hard work, the sweat and toil..."

Where does the time go? I can't seem to keep abreast of the hours that pass me in my oblivious quest to stay afloat.

Delayed grief.
Isolation.
Sleep Deprivation.
Befuddlement.

I think I have become a hamster on a wheel.
I think I won't ever see the light at the end of the fucking tunnel.
I think I am in the midst of a existentialist crisis.
I think I just need to get more sleep............

"Swallow all your tears my love and put on a new face.."

"Ain't nuttin but a G thing baby.."

marriedtothesea.com

This site is AWESOME! Check it out.

"This anger’s felt not spoken"

I just don't see the need to bother any longer. I don't want to jump through the hoops anymore. I won't repay the same debt over and over and over and over....see where this is headed? So do I. He'll never get it, he'll never feel secure, he'll never see what he has, he will just stay right where he is,and he is incapable of change. He can keep saying sorry. The words from his mouth are just as vacant and hollow as his soul. He breaks things he cannot fix, he says things that should be left unsaid, he squanders all he is given, and swims in the sea of his self-righteousness.
I live in skin that is the embodiment of all my faults, real and self assigned, hands that tremble and a mind that is constantly at race, I'll never be the perfection that he seeks. Each year my soul erodes more and more, I wonder what is left, does it even matter anymore? He wears his self righteousness and it is all the protection he needs. He should lie beside it at night, hold it in his arms, maybe it can be the thing that fills what he lacks. I just know I don't want to be that anymore.

"It was just to see, just to see (All the things you knew I'd written about you...)"

I don't get the MySpace phenomenon...yes, I have a page, school alumni stuff. I can't recall the last time I was on there. I use it to get updates on musicians I enjoy, ie concert pre-sales, new singles, blah, blah, blah. Some of my friends and acquaintances have profiles there. The thing is though, if I want to talk to them...I go see them, I call them, I write them a letter...aren't those legitimate forms of communication and interaction? It's the same thing with small town back biting. If I so offend you have the chutzpah to speak up. Better yet quit living in the delusion that you have no idea why I find you to be a malevolent blight, we both know the particulars, I moved on you might want to do the same. If pressed my reply is that I have no need for duplicitous self obsessed twits. The funny thing is...most of these "people" rarely if ever come up. I assume most people don't like me, in fact a women once said she "enjoyed me" then said I reminded her of "The Soup Nazi", quite a dubious compliment. I operate under the assumption that I in fact am not liked...I keep waiting for the truth to come out when my loved ones are on their collective deathbeds. So the structure of MySpace and it's "friends" escapes my very nature. If I want to get updates on a band I like I have to request that I be added as a friend, then wait their approval. The college admissions process is less arbitrary. So I will never be a scion of MySpace or beloved by the backbiters of my pedestrian burg, alas inner fulfillment will have to suffice.

"So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,Blue skies from pain"

When did being 83 equate to a death watch? My grandmother is dying and there's not a goddamn thing that anyone can do about it. She went in the nursing home for rehab.....she was so frigging crotchety that she refused to do anything to help herself. The walker at the home was "rickety" so she wouldn't use it, the food was terrible..."not even fit for dogs", so she refused to eat it. Her mind was still there...her will to live...vanished. Where had it gone? Where was the woman who sent us to fetch her a switch when we acted like heathens? The woman who taught me to embroider, to bargain shop, and gave me bumper bangs with plats? Where is Eloise and who is this frail woman that has taken my grandma's place? People get old. It doesn't comfort me this truism. It doesn't make my grandma's inevitable death any easier to face or prepare for....it does nothing to erase the guilt I feel for not being there to just see her, to make her smile, to make her laugh....I may never see or hear her do those things again. I hate being so poor that I can either fly out to her now and not be able to attend her funeral or never see her alive again. It is the cruelest conundrum. Especially since today is her birthday and I can't be there.

"I'm back...I'm back in the saddle again. I'm back"

The fireworks are over...the fried dough is gone...it's time to get my blog on.

The big trial was today. The State of Maine v. Heather Willoughby-Bertrand. The day after the 4th of July, coincidence? I doubt it, I am sure the district court planned to stroke as much furor as possible in the provincial town of Wiscasset....the only thing that could have made her chances worse was if she was black or a peace activist....I guess it just didn't pay to be a white girl from a upper middle class family. Doesn't that impugn you with magical powers? Isn't being a wheat-free mindful sage burning mystic enough to save you from the ravages of an unjust judicial system.....ohh the humanity! End of sarcasm.

I never thought that American flags should be flown off of a bridge held on by zip ties. It seemed tacky. That being said, The Greenleafs petitioned the town to do so...they wanted to honor their son, and others serving in Iraq. A token gesture sure but their right nevertheless. I can't say that I fully support the war...I still can't fathom why our president sent our troops there much like a lamb to slaughter. I am the daughter of veterans. My father served 2 tours in Vietnam....he enlisted while still in high school. He was raised during a time when people were indoctrinated to patriotism, to serve your country, to fight Communism. He believed that he was going to serve a greater good, to spread democracy to people that were oppressed. He thought he was doing the right thing. He was never the same again. Who is after seeing death, despair and wondering if this will be the day that you die. Who is the same after seeing a friend die right in front of them? These are the things he actually talks about, the things that he didn't bury within his soul much like the scores of others like him. My father was lucky....he lived....not fully the same but alive at least. He had a lay-over in New York on his way home. He had to wear his uniform, not to be gung-ho...because he had to. In the bathroom a group of men jumped him, beat him called him a murderer. He suffered permanent damage to his neck from that, untold damage to his soul.

At least he was given a semblance of a reason for why he was sent to Vietnam. Iraq? Why are servicemen there? What lofty noble endeavor have they sent themselves into....the whims of our pernicious government....our idiot savant commander-in-chief. I am far from the right, yet have no desire to inflame the masses for no reason. Those flags didn't blow off. Admit it...own it....quit being a petulant child who uses tantrums as a means of being. Stop ripping down signs you don't agree with because your self absorbed ego can't accept criticism.Don't lob gallons of milk at old ladies heads...even if they "provoke" you. Don't accuse a decent, kind, and loving women of not being a supportive friend because she dared to call your bluff. Real friends call you out when you're full of shit. Real friends work at maintaining a friendship. Real friends don't expect to come before life partners and children. Real friends don't tell a man his organ failed because he didn't "bond with it" Low fucking blow sister. Low fucking blow.
The Universe does not revolve around you.....it's the solar system not the "Heather system"

That being said, I did have a point. The Greenleafs lie awake at night wondering if the son they love will come home alive. He chose to join the military to serve his country, that is the job he is entrusted with. Would that be my choice..no. I would not go to a country who does not want my presence, I would not give my life for them. Does this make me unpatriotic? To some I'm sure. I serve humanity in other ways however small it may seem. I work at being a good person. It is work. The ability to do what is best for someone other than just yourself is the purpose of one's life. It does not always come easily. It is a life long tenure track.
Will a row of flags on a bridge solve all of our societal ills? No. But perhaps learning to see the perspectives of others will. Not seeing them is why this whole debacle came to fruition.

But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...

How do you cut dead weight without it noticing it's dismissal? When can you walk away from the flogging of a dead horse? I wish I knew, life would be less complex that way, less ulcer inducing...
I find it simultaneously pathetic yet uttering endearing some peoples mind games, do you really think you make any impact to me other than to be the punchline to a joke?

"It doesn't matter what they say...It's just the jealous games people play"

We are not maids. If you insist on referring to us as such then you can kindly go fuck yourself. We do not have breath that smells like necrotic flesh, nor do we think every women we meet wants to fuck us. You know who you are....you know whose two sided mouth your misinformed bile came from. Contrary to your condescending narcissist delusional belief you DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING at the "well informed" ripe old age of 21 or 22 or 23 or 25...so run along and be the stupid little shit you were meant to be, and leave life to those of us who have a clue.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round....."

I am so annoyed that I've ceased to come up with urbane hipster song references.I am now the proud owner of an $800 paperweight. The screen on my laptop is cracked..No not filled with crack...that would have helped. It is a LCD rendition of a Jackson Pollack painting.

"I closed it the same way I always do? Oh no how could this have happened?" imagine a 35 year old man awash in feigned surprise. It could have been an honest mistake. But it wasn't.

Noontime that same day........
"Do you want to go to New York when I get back?" the question hurled at me with passive aggressive candor.

" Why?" Is there a point to this I wonder.

"So you can try out your back-up husband theory!" A smug smirk graces his face, proud at his barb.
The Wandering Jew lives in Crown Heights. It is a running joke that he is the back-up.He missed the boat by a matter of mere months. I'm sure that is still a regret to him on some subconscious level yet a relief as well.

Of course I am still here. Still here after 14 years of psychological torture by my in-laws, poverty, infertility, nervous breakdowns, countless medical crisis's, blah, blah, blah.
Did his brother who lives 12 blocks away ride in the ambulance when he was set on fire? Nope, he was standing right there yet couldn't hold his brother's hand and comfort him. But he could tell a small town he "saved his life" actually that would be his co-worker. You just stood there like a dolt...and sent your drama queen wife in your place. It makes a good story though...when the bar is quiet and the skanks want to take you home, you tell your tale of woe before you hit it on the bathroom floor. You're a classy guy numerous DUIs and all.
Then came the fun of Lymphoma! Guess what! I was the go-to guy for that too. Did the prodigal son/brother drive him to chemo? Shave his head when clumps of hair clogged the pipes? Carry him when he was too weak to walk? Explain what cancer was to a terrified crying pair of children? Then of course the real tragedy of his illness was that his size 00 sister couldn't count on him to comfort her when her life was too much for her. " I was soo upset when I found out about the cancer..cause I realized that I couldn't relie on him for help" Yes, that was the greatest loss to face. Who cares if three children lose their father? I mean the youngest was only a few months old so they wouldn't notice. Also it's not like watching your husband die from cancer is that horrible...I mean the stick with fake tits had problems...of course that takes precedence. I am so selfish...I have a back-up anyway.
But I'm still here. I live in Maine, not NYC. I sleep next to a pissy little Atheist each night, not a temperamental Jew. I work like Toby most days, with little to no thanks. I gave him three children, sure that sounds cliched..but you know what it's a pretty big fucking deal. I am there everyday when no one else dares to care. Why? I have a back-up.I don't have to hang in there. I can think of only myself, what I want, what I need, what matters to me.

But then I would be just like the prodigal brother/son and the self absorbed breasts with two legs without souls. I would be like every person before me who let him down,crushed his soul, destroyed his trust...left him alone when he needed them the most. Then I wouldn't be the woman he loves. I wouldn't be the woman I see in the mirror each day...world weary yet hopeful. Tired, beleaguered and oddly grateful for my life. I wouldn't be the one who loves him unconditionally even when he takes it for granted. I wouldn't be me. I'd just be a back-up for a real human being...and that's the worst back-up of all.

"And these songs that we sing do they mean anything...."

At what point can you let go of the past? What if your past has a living entity you see everyday? How do you let go of someone whose eyes look back at you even when they aren't there?
Do we ever truly stop loving those who touch our soul even after we cease to matter to them?
Why was I so disposable....why was my son?

"Whether times are good or bad,happy or sad"

Sometimes other's pain can effect you more than you care to admit. Sometimes what seems like anger is really fear. Sometimes you hold on to optimism when all that the outside world sees is apathy. Sometimes all you want is a happy ending.Sometimes you want to post a song on your blog for a friend to hear...just so they know, that you are pulling for them...both. Enjoy. I know it will get better.

Press Play........

"Takes a lot of time to push away the nonsense"

A Ode to the Crow amongst the lichen...and the shrubbery. Enjoy.

" I'm just sitting here watchin the wheels go round and round....."

I Believe

I believe - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe - that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe - that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe - that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe - that 2 people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe - that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you..

I believe - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe - that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe - that you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.

I just did.

www.roots2life.com

A profound litany of truths sent to me by a fellow member of Stumble Upon.

"Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge...I'm tryin not to lose my head..."

What price is loyalty? At what point is it not worth your own integrity? Where do you draw the line? I can't seem to find the exit. It's as if life is an interstate system of absurdity punctuated by roadside attractions of folly. The "great flag flap" has grown into the proverbial fucking elephant in the middle of the room. I signed a ticket with "go fuck yourself" that was my choice...I took responsibility, I accepted the consequence of my actions. My choice cost me $500 dollars....not much else. I didn't get made into a community pariah nor did I think my opinion was the only one worth acknowledging. I never told the officer that "you're just giving me this because I'm black" but some suspended their belief and accepted this as fact. I must believe their gospel or I am disloyal, supporting the wrong people, accepting others false perceptions which they use as proof of their persecution. Life is rarely that simple, rarely that dogmatic...at least it should not be. I don't think you should clothespin flags to a bridge, I feel that it is tacky. That being said there are bigger things for me to lose sleep over.....cancer, poverty,the weight of parenthood, the suffering of people in Darfur, the inequities of life. Cheap flags on a bridge do not rate in the bigger picture. What does rate? Not browbeating others into a comprised sense of loyalty by taking on a sense of martyrdom due to an inability to accept personal responsibility. Was the removal of those flags a plot to undermine the patriotism of others or a anti-war rebuke? No....that would have had a purpose. That would have had meaning, a sentiment backed by conviction, passion, and ethics.Would that have been my vehicle to affect change? No. What would I have done? Kept driving. Why? Because a woman who rednecks accuse of looking like a terrorist knows better. I don't get the benefit of the doubt. I am always guilty even when surrounded by the truth. My extra melanin casts shadow over others ability to look at me fairly in a lot of instances. I do not accept this in so much that I have learned to cope with it. It has given me a gift in someways.....the gift of seeing what is worth fighting for, and what is worth ignoring. I use to think that the key to life was tolerance. I know after enduring many struggles that this is not enough. We must accept and respect the beliefs of others, if we do not how can we expect the same in return? Even if we do not always receive it we can not abandon these integrity's even when our anger beckons us to. If we do we become no better than what we abhor.

"Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there."

So what do you think would happen to a flag mounted to a bridge with clothespins? Yes, clothes pins, the kind that hold billowing linens in the summer sun. Now picture that it's raining, the wind is a low grade gale you're driving along the flag lands on your windshield. What do you do? Keep driving ignoring the obstruction whilst noticing a path of other flags strewn upon the side of the bridge in the muck. Or do you get out and pick them up so you can take them to the police? Nope, wrong answer. You should leave them alone unless you want to be vilified on the local news characterized as a flag stealing terrorist.
My friend Heather learned this the hard way Monday afternoon, she had the unenviable luck to land herself in the middle of a political flap. You see she was just trying to feed a turtle... a transgendered turtle, seriously. But to get to the turtle she had to cross a bridge, lined with flags....held on with clothespins.

On the Westport Island bridge the family of a serviceman clothes pinned small American flags to the bridge. Yes...they used clothespins....clothespins. Classy huh? Well some jackass has been "vandalizing" them, which went largely unnoticed until said family called the police....then the media.Since when did the evening news become a vehicle to advance ones own personal agenda? They made themselves the cause celeb of their insular burg triumphing their patriotic self righteousness. All the while maintaining that there was no politics involved. They were just "supporting" the troops....hmm I thought you displayed yellow ribbons for that? But what do I know I'm only the child of two veterans. I grew up on military bases, my mother was a career serviceman that enlisted in the 1970s. Did I mention that she was a Afro-Chicana? Yes, a women of color in the military...in the 70s picture it, it was fucking tough. So I am not talking out of my ass here. If you want to fly the flag do so respectfully, follow the U.S. Uniform Flag Code. DO NOT ADHERE IT TO A BRIDGE IN THE MIDDLE OF EAST BUM FUCK IN THE RAIN, UNILLUMINATED HELD UP WITH A GODDAMN CLOTHES PIN! And yes there is such a thing as flag etiquette.
I could go on, but I have indigestion......I have no idea where that came from...but nevertheless I'm done.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack....

Home improvement rears it's ugly head! I've been actually doing things and not writing.manana...manana....manana my minions.

Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?

I have chosen sleep over posting to this blog as of late. And home improvement projects...that has been the priority. But alas the natives are getting restless so I need to get on it.....tomorrow.

Monday night I feel so low Count the hours they go so slow

If anyone guesses where that lyric comes from I'll give you a medal. Considering that only Elizabeth and Heather read this blog it will be a fight to the death. I am almost embarrassed I chose this song. It's a bit difficult to be witty with someone snoring beside you, unless you want to go on a rant about snoring. My legs are sore from the dance class Sunday which makes me feel old...as well as out of shape. It's back to the gym for this chick. It seems the only thing I have any control over is the conditioning of my physical self. It is some subconscious response to the air of sickness permeating every pore of my soul. Should I become one of those over zealous gym rats? Will it make me feel any relief from the realities of my life....perhaps not but my ass will look good in tight pants, which is what life is really all about. JLo seems ecstatic...her ass in tight pants...good, I rest my case.

Really think I better get a hold of myself

I went to a dance class with Heather tonite. It wasn't as bad as I thought...it wasn't bad at all really. Of course the career martyr gave me the passive aggressive full court press upon my return. I could feign surprise but alas no...he shared his disdain before I left.

" Can I tell you something? I really would like it if you didn't go..it's not a good idea"

I went anyway. It didn't matter that I am a adult who can make their own decisions, he "knows" better. Why? Because pretentious bird was there. I didn't go to antagonize him...I went to keep a friend company. End of fucking story. So now I must endure the silent treatment....ohh dear god how will I ever go on?

Did he ever confront Nina on her bullshit? Nope
His family? Nope
But he can tell me how to plan my day?
Whatever sucker said that love was everything was fucking delusional.

...Some girls are bigger than others....

I have discovered a new obsession.....finding my celebrity doppelganger. I have been spending an inordinate amount of time at MyHeritage.com using their face recognition program to find which celebrity I resemble. I have to admit that I have never really been told I look like anyone famous.....yes that disappoints me. Of course growing up in white suburbia I was always told I looked like whatever "brown" person was famous at the time. I dreaded the season premiere of "The Cosby Show" because I knew that the next day some jackass was going to say I looked like Theo's girlfriend or whatever girl caught their eye. Usually I got told I looked like Lisa Bonet or Neneh Cherry. I don't...not that they are not beautiful....but contrary to popular belief " we all don't look alike". So here's some of my results....enjoy.

Update: January 28, 11:20 PM

I somehow deleted the photos...oh well my celebrity was getting to all be a bit much.

And you can tell everybody, this is your song

Artwork by SHAG

"This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)"

Talking Heads

Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - burn with a weak heart
(So I) guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up + say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - -she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be

Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh

Welcome to your life. There's no turning back.

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus but he talks like a gentleman

Happy New Year lemmings. I have been enjoying the fruits of unemployment. Which are you ask? Soul crushing self-doubt, personal inadequateness, insomnia, no sex drive and ahh yes tons of free time to peruse celebrity gossip. Envy, I know you have it don't you? It's not really that bad, I am no stranger to poverty as such....but getting canned 5 days before Christmas is a bit....demoralizing. I know my job was shit, I loathed it....I had vivid fantasies of sabotaging the press with a giant Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man. Yet no one likes getting fired....unless they are on a reality show and can parlay it into 15 minutes of unworthy celebrity and a spread in Maxim. But alas I am too "chubby" to be in Maxim. At least according to the forest dwelling prophet. Thanks Crow without a Nest, if a working erection were a prerequisite you'd be ass out as well.

It's far too easy to make fun of him...I should resolve to stop. Fuck that...he's too self absorbed to leave unscathed. The oozing pretentiousness is akin to the stench of patchouli at a Grateful Dead show.I am just unenlightened. No, I am still angry at the knowledge that I was duped. The ego is a powerful motivator. How does he do it? It is not all that difficult to decipher in the land of new age bullshit. Maine, "the way life should be" ; if you subscribe to middle class angst and self entitlement masquerading as spirituality. The pied piper of inner fulfillment is the emperor without any soul.