"Stand up and be counted,for what you are about to receive "

The blog following is no longer zero!!!! Thanks Rodney.

Of course now I feel even more compelled to update on an semi-regular basis. I am going to start taking *Mrs. Fuckles' advice and blog the stream of consciousness rants that come out of my mouth.Today provided many points to rail about. It's the "holiday season" which compelled me to go to Freeport on a quest for...snow pants. The middle progeny put them on her Xmas list, I felt obliged to make a pilgrimage to the mecca of outlets and LL Bean to procure her humble guilt laden request. I say guilt-laden due to my daughter's ability to turn any slight into fodder for future therapy and scathing tell-all tome ala "Mommie Dearest"...I wouldn't mind the wardrobe or drag following though. My day was supposed to start at 10 am, but I fought the snooze and the snooze won,not to mention the fact that I was out of clean underpants;who can shop without clean undies seriously? I managed to make it to Casa Los Fuckles before noon, and was rewarded with a combo of fresh coffee plus a side of confab. Elizabeth and I managed to make it to Freeport to only be rewarded with parking turmoil...do the holidays cause people to become blinker deficient? Do you act like you are giving up your parking space just to watch other drivers become perturbed? After 15 minutes of circling like a buzzard in the midst of a panic attack I hit pay dirt..right in front of Starbucks. Parking and coffee! God must not completely hate me after all...
I always enjoy listening to other peoples' coffee orders;the self aware pretentious procedure of it bemuses me.I love coffee LOVE IT, but my self identity is not intrinsically mired in half foam, soy or splenda. I mean by all means order what you want, but don't posture like a low rent supermodel jonesing for cancer sticks and a Birkin bag. The middle age woman in front of us ordered her drink haughtily, while flipping her hair in our general direction; she scanned the crowd, with her nose cast skyward hopelessly clinging to a youth long since past. Was she on her way to Abercombie & Fitch to procure her double size zero jeans? Perhaps my recollection would not be so harsh if her disdain for her fellow coffee drinkers had not been so palatable. It was after all the holiday season, would it have killed her to show basic human respect and decency?

"I'm a loser baby..."

I think I have become resigned to failure. This morning my counselor made the observation that I am an enabler...the elephant in the room has been called out! Of course as luck would have it...illness strikes again;the professional patient was ill. The dialysis unit would not release him unless I took custody of him which meant missing class again. The CIS nazi will not accept late work or make up labs. Guess who is going to fail Computer Science..show of hands. Yep that would be me. I think I punched the steering wheel at least 20 times, and then numbness everywhere. This is supposedly the depression talking,but truthfully I think the jig is finally up and I really am a fucking loser. No unrealized potential, no chance, no prospects just the cold reality of mediocrity. I get points for showing up though because as the cliche goes "half of life is showing up". Thank G-d the oven isn't gas.

"But this life is so confusing. Feels like I'm always losing"

I haven't posted in quite some time. Life happens and I don't always seize the opportunity to write about it consistently,and living it requires every vestige of my being.I don't think I even have readers at this point;at some point did I ever? My mind is over run with so many thoughts that the prospect of articulating any of them coherently makes me emit a screech. Seriously...the people who live with me find it extremely unnerving.I also have to store up my concentration for essays for school.I guess the point of all this drivel is to excuse myself. I really do feel like the post title fits.I started this blog to channel the muck deep within myself out;the bile that bubbled up needed to go somewhere. I was overwhelmed. I still am but I have become much more adapt at hiding it. I will get there. I just wish I knew where "there" was, and when I was going to get there. Perseverance is a real bitch.

" I can't make you hang around.I can't wash you off my skin.Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out "

I tend not to self edit, which causes considerable damage in some social situations but this still hasn't served as a means for change. I continue to spew forth honesty that would be better left unsaid...I know no other way. My relationship examples are textbook narcissists,misogynists and philanders. I don't disclose this out of a desperate need for pity, I am just rather matter of fact regarding every facet of my life. I grew up seeing people living within the confines of their lies, it informed every action they executed, every nuance of their speech and left a child perplexed as to what ulitimately was meant by all of the duplicity. I now find myself hurling toward a maxim of honesty above all else. It makes me unbearable to live with, at least that's the feeling I get.

"Do you believe it in your head? It's so safe to play along"

Have you ever wondered what reaction spontaneous combustion could trigger in one's spouse? By that I mean, what would the husband or wife, whatever the case may be for you,do? Would they stand there dumbfounded or shriek "OH MY GOD!!!!" or if they're an atheist "What the fuck!!" Would they keep listening to the game or would they pause, acknowledge then move on? I assume that they would react. I assume too much. I use the concept of a "loved one" igniting in flames as an extreme albeit unlikely scenario...well in my case not so unlikely. The point? It would cause you to react.
Now say your wife packs a sizable amount of her belongings into her car, a Volvo station wagon, and then proceeds to leave. She then takes it upon herself to sleep in said car, why roomy not exactly 4 star accommodations, she then returns. Would you assume there would be a reaction? Not in this house. If you lived in this house you would behave with the dutiful passive aggressive nature that has become your nom de plume. If you lived in this house you'd make potshots under your breath then pretend to be silent. If you lived in this house you'd find inane things to start conversations with but ignore the bile creeping up the back of your throat. If you lived in this house...you'd sleep in a Volvo too.

"Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out.You won't remember anyway"

Is it really that horrible to be ruled by malignant indifference. You can surely function, and isn't the lowest basis for existence just that, to function.
I have become perfunctionary at best, self sabotaging when given the opportunity.I think I use to care, or did I really? The goal of each passing day has become an all consuming drive to perform a role worthy of critical acclaim
"And the Academy Award for Best performance of a normal human being goes to..."
I'm just playing a role and no one notices,cares or is the wiser. Well perhaps I underestimate my audience, they know and fall into their roles all too easily.

"I'll be forever blue.That you gimme no reason why you make me work so hard."

Here's some facts and figures to peruse. A answer to the quandary of whether Grad school is worth the costs involved...to be a Librarian. Please note the "wide" gulf in wages between what you earn with a BS or BA and the holy grail that is the ALA certified MLS.

MLA State-wide minimum salary guidelines are as follows:
Position (required degree) Compared with Hourly entry level and Annual entry level recommended wage.

Library page -- Minimum wage
Clerk -- $10.30--$21,424
Technician (High School diploma) $10.84 ---$22,547
Technician (Associates degree) $12.01 --$24,980
Librarian (Bachelor’s) $13.98 ----$29,078
Librarian (MLS or equivalent) $15.15 ---$31,512
Department Head (MLS or equivalent) 16.51 ----$34,340
Library Director $21.46---- $44,636

The difference hourly between library staff with a MLS and those with an BS/BA is $1.17. The annual difference in salary is $2434. Anyone care to venture a guess to the difference in cost for a undergrad vs. grad school? Well then if you can figure it up...you can pay my tuition and for the ulcer I will give myself.

You may be wondering what all these abbv. mean.....

MLA- Maine Library Assoc.
MLS- Master of Library Science
BA- ok I'm willing to venture you know this one
BS- no, not bullshit. See above

I should have held steadfast to my childhood dream of international jewel thief and beguiling chanteuse. Catsuits, sequins and playboys on the French Rivera hanging on my every word. Gotta work on that passport application...

"A heart that's full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you,bruises that won't heal."

The dream of being a librarian is over.I am now a Liberal Arts major...go ahead laugh, my apathy keeps me from really giving a shit. I'm more melancholy over the impending demise of one of my favorite blogs, no not Perez Hilton...the Unbomber is in prison so that ass hat is safe..for now, but rather the uplifting, life affirming missives of Stuff Black People Hate

Apparently he may be going the way of "Internet" sensation Christan Ladner, author of Stuff White People Like, and getting a book deal...I want a book deal. The problem is of course I'd have to start writing about the surreal absurdity that is my life, names would NOT be changed to protect identity...and I would in all likelihood get sued. The joke would be on the litigants....I am a broke ass negro.
Ahh fudgeknockers my laptop battery is about to give its swan song....Grr

More joy to come......

***UPDATE***
No book deal, the book will be self published.I would have bought it regardless, SBPH is hilliarous.

"That there...that's not me...I go where I please.."

That chick in the Facebook box, yes the one on the right, is not me. Or maybe it is.

The truth doesn't matter really, no one ever reads this fucking blog which is not unlike the words that come from my mouth, falling on deaf ears. The rain is starting to get to me.I was just coming out of the funk of winter and it's lack of sunshine..

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. It's not warm when she's away..

I need more coffee, my wit eludes me.

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling..Down, down, down"

It's August. I know that weather in Maine is unpredictable but come the fuck on!
OH GUESS WHAT!
It's raining again, as Gomer Pyle would say.."Surprise..Surprise..Surprise" The deary landscape and intermittent respites of solar delusion are beginning to wear thin, I tried to seize the fleeting good weather this weekend only to be rewarded with the knowledge that Issac Hayes died.
It's not as though the man was my uncle, and to be clear not every "colored" person is related to each other...I think, but on the heels of learning that a decent funny man died of pneumonia it stung. I use to imagine that the theme to "Shaft" was my own personal soundtrack growing up....that and the Wonder Woman theme. On a surreal note, Elizabeth's mom must be devastated, she was in love with Bernie Mac....odd considering she's a older white lady in a wheelchair. My friend Brooke and I use to reenact this scene from "Ocean's 11", the one between Matt Damon and Bernie Mac, Mac lungs at Damon and calls him a "cracker" to which Damon replies "Oh dear God.."
It's funnier in person I suppose or if you're wandering drunkenly through the Old Port. But I guess in the final analysis if your numbers up your numbers up...that sounds glib, but life stopped making sense to me a long time ago and glibness cushions the blows.

"Dont, dont you want me? You know I dont believe you when you say that you dont need me...."

Why do tanning salons exist? Did the inventor of the tanning bed have an epiphany when they saw Willy Wonka as a child? Do the people who utilize this technology realize that they have taken on a orange pallor? I have a tan year round...because of the concentration of melanin in my skin. Would I roast myself like a rotisserie chicken if I were as translucent as milky hobnail glass? No, but the point is moot due to my inhabiting a brown body my whole life. So why do people flock to these meccas of man made ultraviolet madness? I want to walk in just once and ask how many sessions it would take to become "really black" darker than Oprah black, I assume that the attendant would be aghast....I'm being magnanimous. It would probably not even occur to them my ironic take on their services. Besides I don't think I could keep a straight face long enough...

"The party blessed me with its future ..And i protect it with fire..."

Any apology Ms. Ferraro would offer would be moot. The most insidious part of her statements is the mindset it underscores. I find the reasoning by Ferraro that her being white; a white upper class women, is the sole reason for her being criticized. It only serves to further underscore the breadth of her ignorance.The ideology that blacks are incapable of voting for a candidate on their merits and can only base their decisions on race is ignorant. Why are people so surprised by her comments? Being a Democrat does not automatically imply that you are not racist, classist or sexist. These are very pervasive problems in this country, whatever your political party. Senator Obama has managed to draw support in spite of this. The central reason for racism is power. Racism has been used historically to suppress the climate of all mankind to have equality. Racism functions in conjunction with class. Higher class status coupled with being in the powerful majority creates a climate specifically to subjugate people that the majority deems less than themselves. That is racism. This cancer afflicts the mind of everyone it touches. It gives the oppressor the sense of entitlement that it swings like a club, cutting a swath through anyone or anything that dares to challenge it. It robs the oppressed of the promise, hope, drive and dignity that all human beings are born with. Do people identify with those they are like?
Of course, but if we can not learn to cooperate and build the world with others then we are doomed. A strong statement to be sure. I did not decide to support Senator Obama solely based on his race, the notion that I did not research the issues, read voting records or inform myself thoroughly insults the very intelligence I work to build each and everyday.Besides that I am majoring in Library Science for Christ's sake, I know my way around information better than most. I chose him because of my belief in his ability to build a better nation. I chose him because he ignited a hope that my vote and my participation in the course of democracy mattered. I chose him because of the work he has done to combat poverty, his commitment to bring our troops back from Iraq, his economics policy, etc. Does the fact that he is articulate with a keen intellect inform my choice as well? Absolutely. It just so happens that we share a similar racial heritage. Unlike myself, Mr.Obama is in the position to accomplish great change on a global scale.If my vote puts him there that is what matters, not that he is black, not that he is liberal..not even the fact that Oprah endorses him. It is to quote someone " The content of his character"

"Its the end of the world as we know it..."

She won the Texas primary.
I knew there was a reason I stopped watching "Saturday Night Live"
Bitch is the new black my ass.

Listen up the poor and undeserved in America!
Pay attention to something other than the same shit served on a new platter.
Why are you so afraid of a man who could truly make this country better?
Why do you believe that a "war hero" or a cuckolded wife are your salvation?
Fight...do something...stop waiting for the mythical white savior to lift you up.
Get the fuck up, educate yourself, stop slurping the spoon fed agenda.
Remember what your apathy cost in 2000.

"I'm on the Highway to Hell....No Stop signs...No Speed Limits.."

I wonder if I really am cut out to be a librarian. I am I OCD enough....are my glasses trendy enough...did hooked on phonics really work for me? I read a lot of professional websites, blogs, the musings of those in my future "chosen" field and I come away with a sickening feeling of unwarranted elitism. But isn't that what professional/corporate culture really is, just another high school like trauma only with real issues at stake? The hierarchy of discussion boards is making me feel like the electronic equivlent of a leper colony. My posts are not viewed as much as the middle age school media "specialists" or the "I have two Masters already..but wanted a change" alpha males. I have things to contribute, intelligent things, perspectives that should be acknowledged...
This week we had to list 10 electronic resources. I saw dictionary.com, google, pedestrian stuff. A few of my classmates actually had fresh sites, resources that the average ten year old couldn't find even with adderall, quality stuff. I had a range of destinations that could broaden the mind. Do you know how many of my "classmates" looked them over? 9 out of a class of over 30+ people. 9
9 fucking views! Apparently I am retarded and no one has had the heart to tell me for the last 34 years. I had better get into vocational rehab while there is still time for me to be a productive member of society.
In case your interested here are the 10 resources I contributed.

Here are some electronic resources that I find useful, some are more "scholarly" than others.



www.ehow.com

Tons of tips on "how to do just about everything" such as ; how to reshape a shrunken wool sweater, how to be Gothic, or use chopsticks. The majority are helpful...the rest are good for a chuckle.



www.nypl.org/links

The best of the web as seen by The New York Public Library. Links are grouped by subject, similar to how books are cataloged, and include Arts&Humanities, New York City, Libraries&Book Trade, History&Social Sciences and many more.



www.nypl.org/digital

The digital collections of The New York Public Library. The resources on Africana & Black History are amazing, the print and photography collections are superb. You can also download podcasts or watch lectures/book talks.



www.craigslist.org

Online free classified service that is tailored to each location it covers. You can explore sites for most major US cities and states as well as international sites. It's somewhat like Uncle Henry's on a bigger scale.



http://lists.webjunction.org/libweb/

Libweb complies links to library websites around the globe.



www.pbs.org

Great resources for teachers and companion sites for most of their programming.



www.americanrhetoric.com

Database of speeches, lectures,sermons,debates and media events in text,audio and video format.



www.amnh.org

The online home of The American Museum of Natural History. Resources for kids, educators and anyone who is interested in learning about science. The site also has online professional development courses.



www.moma.org

The Museum of Modern Art; links to DADABASE, an online catalog of the museum's library, archives and study centers.



www.nytimes.com

"All the news that's fit to print" online. You can search the archives from 1851 to present day


And on a unrelated note....if Hillary Clinton wins Texas....I will build the wall between Mexico and Texas myself! Latino vote.....get a clue people, she doesn't give the proverbial "two shits" about you. Has the whole fucking world gone mad? I need to stick to taking sleeping pills so I can't remunate over things till the wee hours. AGGGHHHHH! That's it folks, I'm outta here, gotta check CNN.

"I always feel like somebody's watching me..."

Boredom will make a person do funny things. If most people were totally honest they would admit to googling themselves, I've done it. Apparently I am a white pharmacist in Iowa...where the hell is my free Valium? The real fun is searching myspace profiles. The steamy underbelly of the Internet....or where men having mid-life crisis's pretend to be 25 and while hung to meet nubile Paris Hilton wannabes. I decided to search profiles with my better half's name. Ohh sweet Jesus! I was laughing so hard I hyperventilated.....enjoy the show!

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=59441663

ohh..here's a sneakpeek photo!!!

"That there That's not me.."

Enjoy this Radiohead performance. It's from "Kid A". Buy "In Rainbows" it is breathtaking....seriously, it will bring tears of joy to your eyes.

"No time for losers...'cause we are the champions of the world"

NEW YORK GIANTS 17

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 14

Bye Bye Perfect Season!!!! The Patriots lost, apparently there is a god and they are not a Pats fan.

"Don't stop believin'...Hold on to that feelin"

This cynic has hope. Thank you Mr. Obama for renewing an emotion I had all but forgotten.
Of course your speech bought tears to my eyes and now I can't be witty.....that is a good thing.
Follow this link, read the speech....keep the tissues close by. And yes, that is a Journey lyric, the post title, it's a good song....there I said it, yes I am a geek. Follow the link!

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/01/26/obama.transcript/index.html

"Shoplifters of the world.Unite and take over"

"This is my mistake. Let me make it good"

No more poop.